“My wife had always spoken to me about being so negative. But when I heard her refer to my ‘sour power’ drowning all of us … that really stung!”
Negativity, worst-case-scenarios and general “sour attitude” (grumpy, short, irritated, etc.) seem to have gone “viral” in our world!
However, it’s important to remember that people don’t just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. They really don’t look for ways to rain on your parade. Often, they really don’t even realize they are a “Donald Doomer” or “Debbie Downer.”
So much of how we responsed to life come from patterns of thinking we’re completely unaware of. When we give in and just settle to whatever these patterns trigger, we stop growing and becoming us.
We live an unauthentic life – at best.
There are countless articles about how and why people are negative (or sour).
But for the most part, it’s from having our authentic characteristic of being born as “awe-inspired” interrupted with trauma, pain, and/or shame at some point in our lives.
None of us, and I mean none of us, realize what behaviors and patterns of thinking and reacting we had to introduce into our neuro pathways, just to help us respond and cover the pain and shame of past trauma. Why? To obtain just a sense of survival thinking.
Have you noticed the wonder that children have? That wonder was what we had to replace inside of us that was never meant to be taken from us.
It was there to sensitively mentor us so we could become our authentic selves!
Recently, I was getting my steps in at a mall where a jr. cheerleader camp was being hosted. Little 3-, 4-, and 5-year-old girls were dressed in their fancy little cheer gear, and thought their half-splits were Olympic-worthy. It was precious to watch. They were authentically awe-inspired!
Trauma, pain, and shame rain on our awe-inspired selves … and the result?
Negativity and sour attitude just to feel good about a moment that we don’t have the intimacy skills to process.
Why do we turn to negativity and sourness?
We substitute our wonder for what works in the moment.
Then we grow up and unbeknownst to us, we live by survival thinking, void of any wonder of life. We lose the power and insight to choose our wonder responses to life.
When being awe-inspired is interrupted, we can no longer hope and believe for the best … so we protect ourselves with negativity. Or we use it to control our surroundings that feel so out of control to us.
Research reveals that in most people:
- 50% of the words they speak are negative
- 20% of the words they speak are positive
- 30% of the words they speak are neutral
Why does this matter?
- A study published in Scientific Results showed that speaking (or being exposed to negative talk) negatively affected self-esteem and short-term memory.
- A study published in Systematic Reviews revealed that speaking (or being exposed to) negative talk significantly increased depression and anxiety.
- Multiple studies show that being exposed to (or expressing) negativity in words, body language, facial expression, or moans/signs without words can change our brain by causing it to overproduce stress hormones, change our worldview, and negatively affect our belief system.
Truly, negativity is a dangerous thing.
So often we’re bent towards the negative because the people we love are and we don’t want to offend them.
But YOU can change that.
YOU can change the narrative.
YOU can decide what YOU hear and don’t.
Just by recognizing the negative bends life towards the positive!
It’s that simple … it’s that difficult!
Research across the board indicates that negativity (whether toward one another or not) is toxic and destructive to relationships.
Perhaps this is what has fueled great marriage and family researchers, such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and Helen and Dr. Harville Hendrix to call for zero negativity in relationships.
The best way to insert the positive into our lives is making a commitment to ‘THE PAUSE’.
WHAT?! I hear you.
Here’s yet another ‘it’s that simple it’s that difficult’ virtue to install in your life.
Before you respond to anyone … PAUSE and make sure you’ve heard them, and that your response is positive!
If you think this is stupid, how has the way you’ve been responding working for you?
This week, I’m sharing a powerful story about how finding purpose not only neutralized negativity and sourness … but turned it to positive and meaningful contribution.
I hope this story will inspire you. And that you’ll pass it on!
1. What was your trauma?
“To tell you the truth, there was no real trauma. At least the way I understand trauma. But there was an atmosphere of dread, negativity, and expect-the-worst-thing-possible in our home growing up.”
“If the AC was not cooling enough, it was determined the need was … a brand-new HVAC system and the cost would leave us homeless!”
“If the weather called for thunderstorms, it was expected that shingles would blow off our roof, and that the tree in the backyard would, for sure, fall on the house!”
“It was even worse if it had to do with us kids.”
“If my parents had to sign a release form for us to go on some kind of field trip, it was because they (the authorities) knew it was dangerous and we were all likely to get hurt. And sometimes we didn’t get to go.”
“There was never ending talk about people, and none of it was pleasant. For example, our neighbors obviously had some weight challenges. But my parents referred to them as the ‘big butt family’. And that was some of the nicer things they called them.”
“No matter what anyone was doing, if it didn’t go perfectly, there were huge sighs, swear words, and major drama. Whether it was cutting up an onion that brought tears, a screw that wouldn’t go in easily, or a vacuum that wasn’t picking up enough lint.”
“It was like the whole world was against us, and we’d better expect the very worst!”
“I remember when I began playing sports in high school, my coaches were always on me for predicting our losses, for talking about how the other team might stomp our *ss, and how they always played unfair.”
“I really liked my coach and respected him. But I didn’t get why he would get upset about the things I’d say. I was just talking like I thought everyone talked!”
(Take that in. He said, “Talking like I thought everyone talked!” We build our lives on the foundations of someone else’s sin. On someone else ‘missing the mark’ of how life should really be. We live what we heard and saw growing up and wonder why life hasn’t worked. BUT … the good news!? You’re reading this and want your life to become … YOUR LIFE!)
“Then I remember when college scouts were coming to watch us in a game in my junior year. In the locker room, I said, ‘I’m sure they won’t think I’m good enough’!”
“My coach set me down and asked if I had ever heard Henry Ford’s great quote: ‘Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right’!”
“I rolled my eyes unconsciously, and he pointed it out. Then said, ‘Obviously you think they won’t notice you … So, they probably won’t!’ Then he said, ‘Would it cost you anything to at least hope they might notice you’?”
“I shook my head no, and then he said, ‘Then say out loud: I bet they just might notice my arm’!”
“I just sat staring at him, and he demanded: ‘Say it! Say it’!”
“I saw he wasn’t going to move on until I did, so I said it.”
“I got up to walk away, and he said: ‘No! Say it again’!”
“He made me say it again and again until it sounded believable.”
“Sure enough, they noticed my arm, and I was offered a scholarship.”
“I’ll never forget that!”
“I remember, thinking, it wouldn’t hurt me to at least make note of that and stop being so negative.”
“But I never thought about it again!”
“I noticed that playing college ball got me a lot of attention from the gals. It was that beautiful brunette with the long hair and the beautiful green eyes that got my attention.”
“We hadn’t been seeing each other long when she started talking to me about being negative.”
“I think I did better. Until one night at a class reunion, years later, when we were playing a game where we had to describe our spouses with two rhyming words.”
“I couldn’t believe it when she used the words ‘sour power’ to describe me. That got my attention.”
“By then, we had 3 kids, and I didn’t want to pass all of my family’s doom and gloom onto them.”
2. What is your purpose?
“When we got home that night after she’d described me as ‘sour power,’ I acknowledged my disappointment in myself, and asked her what she thought I could do to address it … to turn it around?”
“In her normal, kind voice, she said, ‘I’ve already asked you to go to this workshop with me, and I don’t really know what it’s about. But I’ve heard a lot of good stuff about it. It’s a psychologist that does it, and maybe she could tell you how to address your ‘sour power’.’ I just shook my head yes.”
“I had asked her what to do, so it seemed like I had kind of committed myself in advance. So, I agreed to go.”
“When we got to the Power of Purpose, I assumed the upbeat music and the excitement in the room was an indication of positive stuff. I just hoped it might be contagious.”
“When you got to the part where you put that quote up on the screen by Henry Ford, ‘Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right!’ … that was the first time I’d even thought of that since my high school football coach confronted me with it.”
(Can I just share a bit of my faith? I’ve watched this happen endless, countless, numerous times. When someone decides to trust their life to an unseen pull, power, or premonition [which I call God] … confirming affirmation always comes to greet them and tell their hearts that [just like this young man’s] that they’re on the right path! It’s your time to trust.)
“It felt like the cards were either stacked against me or for me, and I wasn’t sure which.”
“But it definitely got my attention!”
“All of that positive stuff throughout the day… the gold medals, the empowering thoughts, the breaking free … it really got to me.”
“I have to admit that I didn’t really think there was a purpose for me, but by the time we got to the second writing exercise, I wondered what it would be like if I was actually here on earth for some good reason.”
“I mean … I always supported my wife and kids well, so I knew that was part of my purpose and something good I was doing. But I just couldn’t imagine anything beyond that …”
“However, by the time we got to the exercise where you told us to write a letter, and just see what flowed out of us… I was excited to see what might come out. But of course … I did still have enough negativity in me to suggest to myself: ‘There’s probably nothing that will come out’ …”
“To my surprise, sure enough, here’s what poured out of me:”
“My purpose is to empower great athletes to adopt great mindsets that will ensure their success beyond their athletic careers and lead them to great marriages and ‘off the field of play’ careers!”
“You see, I was already coaching winning teams. But in that moment, I realized that I had a responsibility and opportunity that went way beyond winning teams.”
“I realized I had a powerful opportunity to instill in them … winning futures!”
3. What difference has finding your purpose made in your life?
“I’m sure everyone says something like this, but I have to tell you that finding my purpose was a game changer!”
“Pun intended!”
“I’m still coaching winning teams! But more importantly, I’m coaching young men to be winners in life!”
“Recently, my wife staged a 60th birthday party for me. She called it ‘Tower Power’!”
“Friends and family came, and it was a great night of food, fun, and celebration.”
“Then she spoke about my previous struggle with ‘sour power’. And how I’d turned it around to ‘Tower Power!’ She had dozens of my former winners come and share how I’d been a strong tower in their lives as a coach and the success they’d experienced in their lives as a result.”
“Although it was an honor to hear from all of them, the greatest honor was hearing my wife proclaim how I’d turned my ‘sour power’ to ‘Tower Power’!”
“Truthfully, I never had to work on the sourness. Once I found my purpose, everything changed!”
“I had a reason to get up every morning! I realized how blessed I was to have the wife and the kids I had.”
“Yes! Finding purpose was a game changer. And it changed … EVERYTHING!”
“What would I say to your audience?”
“Life is more than a game and finding your purpose is most definitely a game changer! Stop playing games … this is not a dressed rehearsal. This is the real deal … finding your purpose will change you and everything about you. And it will change everyone around you!”
***
Purpose.
It really does change everything!
Including negativity and sourness.
I love this quote by Dr. Monica Vermani:
“Think about it. We are here to live our best lives, not to move through life over-burdened by self-doubts and fears. Understanding how to balance our innate negativity bias through awareness and mindfulness of what is working and positive in our lives, is a powerful and life-affirming practice, that will make a real and immediate positive difference in our lives.”
The quickest route to that positive difference? Finding your purpose! It IS underneath those layers you/we had to build to grant ourselves a semblance of normalcy just to be able to settle in and survive.
NO MORE of that! LET’S DO THIS … together we WILL find purpose!
For more info on the Power of Purpose, click here:
