“I heard that Kevin Costner once said, ‘When a defining moment comes along, you either define the moment, or the moment defines you’.”
“Well, my moment came along, and it defined me.”
I waited.
“It defined me as a loser! All she was trying to do was share how my addiction to gambling, alcohol, and prescription pain meds had traumatized her and left her abandoned.”
“I did my normal gaslighting, telling her she was too prude and oversensitive. She unleashed! And … I deserved it.”
“She told me that for once in my selfish life I needed to think of someone besides me! And that if I did not have an appointment with you within a week to create a defining moment of transformation, she was gone.”
Although I’m not sure whether Kevin Costner said that or not, whoever said it was correct.
We either define the moment and embrace it, or the moment defines us.
And after that all bets are off if we fail to surrender.
We forsake the truth of what Jesus said, “If you lose your life, you’ll find it” to remain in control; the very thing that brought us to our defining moment.
What is a defining moment?
I like to define it as …
A moment in time when we are faced with a decision or experience, that will change us at a core level.
They (defining moments) have a transformative effect on our hearts and our brains.
If we define the moment, it has an undeniable positive impact, rendering fundamental changes in …
- Our behavior.
- Our choices.
- Our attitudes.
- Our character.
One of the major jobs as a therapist or coach, is to carefully craft defining moments.
Since early in my career, I have been known for my deep desire and great dedication to helping people find the defining moments that transform them into all they were created to be.
I’ve watched those defining moments tailored to each client’s unique gifts, desires, dreams, and bents become the ‘a-ha thing’ they were meant to experience.
True defining moments have a power unto themselves. They contain the life that we don’t see, because we can’t see the forest for the trees.
But we’ll FOREVER stay in survival mode if we NEVER act on this simple proclamation shift and do it.
You don’t have to believe in God to have faith.
But you do have to have the faith to walk into the unknown …
to change YOUR life!
I took on the challenge with my new client, and he was delighted to have me share his defining moment.
1. Defining moments are out of your comfort zone.
I began working with my client, knowing that he needed a defining moment.
But also, with the understanding that healing and recovery is a journey.
Our first task was to address the addictions, and prepare him for Step One, which I call: the “I can’t …” Step. (“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.”)
Step one is difficult for everyone. But it was particularly difficult for this man who was quite accomplished and was in his words: “Not your typical addict!”
(Of course, I’ve never met an addict who did not say that as they approached Step One … and for some, they say it many years afterwards!)
It’s typical for all addicts to “compare out.” Like:
- Well, I pay my bills on time so I’m not like the other addicts.
- I never drink during work hours, so I’m responsible.
- I don’t sit in smoky casinos and gamble (instead he does “dignified gambling” in sports and other ventures that have entry points of $10k) …as if there’s such a thing as a respective gambling?
- I don’t snort cocaine or shoot up heroin (but goes to three different physicians for pain meds) …
- BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!
Therefore, for EVERY addict, step one IS outside their comfort zone… or they’d have already done it!
I was not surprised when he reported he had taken step one … but had driven down to Waco (about 100 miles south of his home) to do so.
He was shocked when I told him that didn’t really qualify for being out of his comfort zone. However, I did congratulate him for being willing to take most of the day Saturday to do so.
He’s like everyone I’ve ever known that make their first AA meeting: who’s going to see me here?
What he/you/they don’t realize is … if they know someone there, their someone they know there … are there … for the same reason! Game over!
I could sense he was nervous about what was to come, but I didn’t have enough of a deep understanding of him yet to begin crafting his defining moment.
When I asked why he drove that long way to take his first step, I learned some key things.
- He simply couldn’t have his adult children know of his struggle.
- He didn’t want to further humiliate his wife.
- He didn’t want to lose his place of influence in his church.
- He didn’t want to lose respect in his community.
I learned he had 3 children.
But seven years ago, he lost his son (senior in high school) to a freak boating accident.
His other son worked with him in his business. His daughter was the principal at the local high school, and she also coached a championship volleyball team.
His wife was the kindest most long-suffering “angel” on earth.
She’d run a nonprofit for years, but after the loss of their son she’d set up a nonprofit to provide support for parents who had lost a child.
I asked when his alcohol overuse, prescription drug misuse, and extreme gambling had started. The results did not surprise me.
He’d always enjoyed a glass of wine at dinner, and a beer or two watching sporting events on weekends.
He’d bet on football for fun several times each season. And he had injured his shoulder playing basketball on the community team.
When he lost his son, a glass of wine became a bottle of wine. Or two.
A beer or two became a case.
His pain pills that helped him sleep at night for his shoulder became 2 every 4 hours. All right after he lost his boy.
Trauma is behind 99.9% of addictions, so I understood and empathized.
I asked what else had changed since the crushing loss?
“EVERYTHING!” he said.
Then timidly asked if it had anything to do with his struggle. I validated and walked him through research, then asked what else had changed?
- The weekly Sunday evening meals for kids, spouses, and grandkids.
- Followed by games and a family devotion. (We just don’t do it anymore.)
- The family trips to the beach. (We are all so busy).
- The Christmas traditions.
Now I had some clues …
2. With a defining moment, you know that you know that you know something is different.
I asked my client what he “wished” was different about him. Or what he “wished” or “hoped” might happen.
His responses were heartbreaking.
- He wished he could breathe again.
- He wished he could figure out why he lost his son.
- He hoped that someday, everyone might want to gather and laugh and have fun again.
- He hoped that his other two kids were okay.
- He hoped his wife could heal and forgive him or being so calloused about her pain.
Clearly, the trauma of the crushing loss of his son had sucked the life out of him.
He then said what I knew was true.
“The loss of my son was a defining moment that defined me. In a not so good way. Now I need a new defining moment that I can seize for good. I guess I’m looking for it in all the wrong places.”
I empathized, but also validated that he was right.
He’d not find it in the alcohol, the gambling, or the pain pills.
We can medicate for a moment of time or two. Pretty common.
But when the medicating stretches into months or years, the medicating itself fills the neuro pathways with the excuses and the lying rationales so that we never see a need stop.
Any addiction has a way of talking us into thinking …
- It’s not that bad.
- I’ve got this.
- Yet you can’t … stop!
Almost like a little boy, he looked up timidly and asked: “Can you help me?”
I nodded and told him that in many ways … he’d just taken a more powerful Step One, than the one he drove to Waco weeks before to take among strangers.
But now, we needed a defining moment that would be out of his comfort zone.
But one that would help him to know,
that he knows,
that he knows …
something is different.
After more weeks of working through the trauma of his loss, and taking steps two and three … I had a suggestion for a defining moment.
But first, in case you aren’t familiar, here are the first three steps, and my abbreviated version of them:
Step One:
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. (I CAN’T!)
- We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (HE CAN!)
- We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. (I THINK I’LL LET HIM!)
I asked him if he would be willing to trust me with a defining moment.
He reluctantly agreed.
I suggested that he consider calling the first Sunday evening family gathering in over 7 years.
To cook steaks on the grill like he always did, and have his wife do her magic in the kitchen. To pull out all of the fun games and have a great family time.
Then do something very different for the family devotion. To share his struggle with alcohol, gambling, and prescription pain meds with his wife (who already knew), but also with his adult children and their spouses.
He wept, because they had never seen him intoxicated … had no idea about the gambling or the pain meds.
He was certain they would disown him.
I acknowledged his fear but suggested that he consider asking them to join him on his journey as a support team.
And that they would all meet on Sunday evenings again. And to begin to heal together as a family over the loss of their brother/son.
I asked him to sit on it a week, discuss it with his wife, and we’d talk about it the next week.
He said he would but added: “I can tell you that I know that I know that I know they will never look at me the same.”
I nodded with compassion, and almost whispered: “You’re right. They won’t. You will be their hero. For your honesty, authenticity, and for breaking the silence about the huge loss.”
He wiped away tears. I choked mine back.
3. With a defining moment, something new is deeply imprinted on your hard drive and heart drive that change your thoughts, perceptions, and/or behavior.
He returned the following week with a reluctant willingness. He reported that his wife was 100% supportive and deeply touched.
We worked through some details, and I knew in my heart that this was the right defining moment for him.
The following week, he returned with his wife. It was one of the most moving sessions I’d ever experienced!
They explained how perfect the dinner was.
She carefully planned to make sure everyone’s ‘favorite food’ or dessert was served.
The games began a bit awkwardly, but moment by moment … the laughter returned.
His wife had set up a flashlight scavenger hunt in the backyard for the grandkids as they began “devotions.”
He reported that they both wept as he explained to his adult kids and their spouses what had been going on with him.
He confessed that he’d abandoned their mom in her grief to be the “strong one.” And he had silenced everyone from speaking about the loss.
He had shared that “acting like” the “strong one” was hardly the truth.
That he’d used alcohol, gambling, and prescription drugs to cope.
Just as he was about the ask them to forgive him, they all spontaneously surrounded him with hugs, hand holding, and “more love than I ever imagined.”
As his wife cried softly, he said through his own tears: “What I thought would wreck us may save all of us. I know it will save me.”
He shared with me: “Something happened to me in that moment that they surrounded me. All of a sudden, I could breathe again.”
“All of a sudden, I thought I could live again.”
“I knew I would never engage in the silly search for serenity in a bottle again. Whether it was a bottle of alcohol or a bottle of pills. I know that high stakes gambling that could endanger my kids’ futures was foolishness I would never engage in again.”
“It felt like I turned a corner!”
His wife nodded with enthusiastic compassion, and added:
“I knew when I watched that video you did about defining moments that he simply had to have one!”
It was a priceless moment.
Now, it’s been two years. I just received this email from him about a month ago:
“I’m two years sober. My wife and I have had the best two years of our life. We just got back from our first family vacation to the beach. It was really a tremendous time of fun, laughter, and bonding. We made a decision while we were there to buy a waterfront property to honor our son, because he was the one that insisted on the beach vacations. Although we miss him, our family is better than it’s ever been. All because of that defining moment …”
********
Defining moments change us. They affect others.
Defining moments have spiritual substance and a power of their own making.
Don’t be afraid of the tears, for the when that river breaks free, you’ll never thirst again.
You can choose or create your own defining moment:
- It must be out of your comfort zone.
- It must have some exposure or accountability to it.
- It must be transformative.
Don’t stay stuck where you are.
Become the best you can be.
Live your best life.
Find a defining moment!
It will be the power that will change you and … those you love … and the love of those who love you!
