“I just had my first performance review in my new position, and I was stunned to receive the feedback that I was ‘too polished’.”
My client was clearly mystified.
“When you make six figures a year in sales, how can you possibly be ‘to polished’?”
I nodded to validate his concern.
Then I asked, “Is the culture in this new corporation different from the last one you were with for many years?”
He nodded insistently: “Very different!”
After a slight pause of consideration, I asked him to tell me more about the culture.
He said, “It’s like a good old boy culture. Not in a bad way at all! I guess you could say it’s like a culture built on relationships and teams, instead of greed!”
I nodded. Then inquired: “I wonder if the comment about being ‘too polished’ could be referring to a lack of authenticity?”
“Oh my goodness! Did you read the review? They actually mentioned something about authenticity being a key quality most desired from their sales executives.”
I nodded again and explained that authenticity is a keyword found for healthy relationships and high achievement as a leader in recent years.
He responded with a mix of curiosity and frustration: “Since when does authenticity have anything to do with sales?”
We both spontaneously laughed.
I asked him if he was ever a fan of Motown music? He nodded emphatically!
“Then surely, you’ll remember one of Marvin Gaye’s greatest hits: ‘Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing Baby’!”
“Oh yea!” he responded with a big grin. “So, you think he was singing about authenticity?”
He paused, and I waited. “I get it, I think!”
He was deep in thought for a moment, then continued.
“You might have to help me with that. Because I’m not sure I even know how to be authentic. I certainly don’t in sales, but I probably don’t in my marriage or my family either.”
There’s a reason why coaching and therapy have gone mainstream. Like my client, few of us can step outside ourselves and see ourselves as others do.
Some people can but most cannot. And then we all have that tendency to reach for whatever reaction we need to make the presentation of ourselves relevant in the moment and “act” authentic.
Now that’s an oxymoron!
I commented: “I would love to speak about authenticity with you. I truly believe that if we would all tap more into our authenticity… our careers, our marriages, our families, our futures would be much more solid and meaningful!”
“Well then, I guess I’d better be all ears … because I want all of that!” he proclaimed.
I’m writing about what I shared with him this week, hoping that you will open yourself to becoming more authentic, even more often!
Why?
Because of what I’ve learned from Brené Brown, about what authenticity invites into our lives:
“Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude into our lives.”
Surely, we could all use of boost of grace, joy, and gratitude!
1. What is authenticity?
“I’m just going to have to be honest here and tell you that I don’t even know what authenticity is, I guess,” my client confessed.
I began the journey about authenticity with my client by sharing a couple of definitions.
Since I had already shared what Brené Brown says about what authenticity invites into our lives (grace, joy and gratitude), I began with her definition:
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
My client shook his head and bopped his forehead with the palm of his hand as he moaned: “No wonder I got marked down on my review. I go into the sales world thinking this … ‘I’ll be who I think I’m supposed to be for the moment’.”
“And truth be told, I do the same thing in my marriage and family.”
I smiled as I assured him that this was likely the case for most people.
But assured him we could change that.
(And we can change it for you, too, my friend!)
I told him I would like to start with what authenticity is not … because these are the things that tend to give authenticity a bad name.
Authenticity is not:
- “Telling it like it is” with no regard for the impact on others.
- “Brutal honesty” (because there is nothing brutal in authenticity).
- “Being true to yourself” (if you know it’s hurtful or harmful to others).
- “Full transparency with everyone in your life” (when good boundaries would be a better choice)
- “Presenting your best side” (when it’s incongruent with who you are).
My client had a small outburst with: “Well since I violate every one of those … I guess that’s further proof that this authenticity thing is something I need to work on!”
Let’s look at several other definitions of authenticity.
Authenticity is a word that implies being fully trustworthy, conforming to fact, or faithful to original. Merriam-Webster.
The Latin root of the word “authenticity” is “author”, so being “authentic” doesn’t mean being honest about who you are, it’s about being your own ‘author’ of the real you. Authenticity is an active and creative process, where you live the verbs and write the adjectives. It’s not about revealing something, it’s about building something; and that something is “you”. Dr. Nina Burrowes
Authenticity is acting in accordance with one’s true self, and being authentic means behaving in congruence with one’s values, beliefs, motives, and personality dispositions.
Neuropsychologist,
Dr. Theo Tsaousides
My client sighed.
“Sounds like I have a lot of work in front of me. Sounds like I need to examine my values, beliefs, everything I guess!”
“Well, let’s talk about what research has shown us are some of the characteristics of people who’ve been identified as authentic,” I suggested and continued.
“Sometimes if we know what it looks like, it can inspire our journey.”
I could see he was curios to hear them.
Here are some of the characteristics of people who are authentic:
- They tend to be proactive rather than reactive.
- They are very curious and open to hearing other perspectives.
- They have the ability to identify their emotions and express them without drama or intensity.
- They are thoughtful and kind.
- They are very respectful and respected.
- They have a sense of humor, but never at another’s expense.
- They see their setbacks as learning and growing opportunities.
- They are void of criticalness of self and others.
- They invite connection organically.
- Their value and worth comes from within.
- They are acutely aware of their impact on others.
My client commented: “That’s exactly who I would like to be. I’ve always said that my career in sales is what’s shaped me. And I do see good in that. But perhaps it’s time for me to become authentic and let that be the greatest impact in my career.”
I smiled to affirm the willingness … and the transformation in his thinking. We all pose. It’s part of our survival needs.
The key is knowing when our reactions are headed that way and not react to defend those moments of insecurity when we decide our poser days are over.
It’s best to do life on life’s terms when responding. That’s the beginning of being authentic and being present … To not overreact, but simply respond with emotional mastery.
“And let me just acknowledge that it sounds like those characteristics are the man my wife dreams of me becoming!” he grinned.
“If all it did was to enrich our marriage, it would be worth becoming all of that! But I have to say I hope it has a major impact on my career!”
I assured him that authenticity would be a great benefit in both his marriage, and his work. But it would go much further than that …
The same is true for all of us!
2. Why is authenticity important?
I wanted my client to understand why authenticity was important.
I hope it will be helpful to you also.
Research clearly outlines the benefits of practicing authenticity.
And they are quite inspiring.
In my work with clients, I know that having a “fire in our belly” (knowing the benefits of reaching for something new) is critically important.
Simon Sinek has made us all aware of the power and knowing our why:
“Once you know your WHY, you have a choice to live it every day. Living it means consistently taking actions that’re in alignment with the things you say. If you say one thing and do another too frequently, you’ll lose the trust of others. Our actions either add to or take away from the trust and loyalty others feel toward us. When the things we say and the things we do are aligned with what we believe, we are fully living our WHY. Will you choose to take a stand?”
“The WHY can help set a vision to inspire people. The WHY can guide us to act with purpose, on purpose.”
However, equally important as our “why”, or the “fire in our belly” … Is the “fire on our backside”.
The “fire on our backside” is:
- What we will miss out on.
- What we’ll lack.
- What negative things might occur if we fail to reach for and make progress toward what we desire to have in our lives.
So … before I light a “fire in your belly”, let’s get that “bonfire on your backside” blazing by looking at, what we know are the disadvantages that people who lack of authenticity experience:
- Not only do they struggle in their relationships, but connection is difficult.
- They lack respect and often compromise themselves in attempts to earn it.
- Their perceptions of reality may be skewed.
- They are often very judgmental.
- They are usually very reactive.
- They fail to learn from their mistakes and repeat negative cycles.
- They struggle to access and share emotions appropriately.
- They often have unrealistic expectations of others, themselves, and of life.
- They’re less likely to excel financially.
- They practice self-sabotage.
- They’re often psychologically immature.
- They speak before they think.
- They’re self-deceptive and unaware when they deceive others.
- They’re very critical.
- They struggle with passive aggressiveness.
“That just further confirms my need for authenticity. I could check more things off of that list then I would like to admit,” my client confessed with a serious quietness that was almost a whisper … then said: “If you read that list to get my attention… it worked!”
“I actually only read it to get a ‘fire on your backside’. Now let’s light a ‘fire in your belly’ so that we can get started on your journey to authenticity … And I assure you we’ll get there!” I said.
Here are some of the researched benefits of authenticity:
- Richer relationships.
- Less depression and anxiety.
- Greater influence.
- More self-confidence.
- Easier to build trust.
- Greater daily fulfillment.
- Higher integrity.
- More creative problem-solving skills.
- Reduced stress.
- Greater possibilities for wealth.
- Improved resiliency.
- Increased longevity.
“I’m sincere in saying this,” my client responded. “I want every single one of those things. They’re things I’ve always wanted. I just had no idea they had anything to do with authenticity.”
I smiled as I shared: “I want all of these things for you too. I want them for all of my clients. But the way we are guided toward those things are often in direct opposition to authenticity.”
He thoughtfully acknowledged: “I have to admit that most of my sales training that assured us of these things … were almost diametrically opposed to this whole concept of authenticity.”
Baggage … we all have it and the one thing at the core in each bag are hidden needs to create a survival version of ourselves. Then we find ourselves at center stage and the room is waiting for our every next response.
Survival and authenticity are a lot like oil and water …
I hope that this will inspire you forward with both a fire in your belly, and a fire on your backside to reach toward authenticity.
3. How to become more authentic.
Whether you’ve been practicing authenticity for quite some time, or whether this is a new concept to you, I hope you will take some of these suggestions to heart and put them in action.
It’s been several years that I’ve been working toward authenticity.
It truly is a journey, not a destination.
“I’m OK with it being a journey, I just hope I can get the ball rolling and see some of these benefits soon … I hope you won’t tell me that it’s going to take a couple of years!” he stated with a rhetorical tone.
I stated, “I believe that beginning to practice some of these things that I will suggest to you will reveal results in a very short period of time!”
I could see that the “fire in his belly” and the “fire on his backside” were both blazing.
We worked on these fervently, addressing a few of these weekly.
I will list some of those that he has found most helpful to gain momentum toward authenticity.
Place your finger on the pause button and keep it there.
One of the things that builds authenticity to learn to “zip your lips” and “press pause.” Is to ask yourself some important questions … like:
- Is the response I’m considering beneficial to me? To the others involved?
- Is it honest and sincere?
- Am I making a contribution?
- Will it be said/done in a way that reflects the person I want to be?
- Do I need to be the person saying it?
- Do I need to ask for time to think through my response?
- What is motivating/driving my response?
- Do I need to remain silent?
Practice being present.
When you are fully present, you are:
- Being aware of the other’s body language
- Listening intentionally
- Reading between the lines
- Listening for emotions
- Being aware of our thoughts
- Being aware of our emotions
- Wanting the best for all involved
Without being present, we cannot possibly be authentic in the moment!
Learn to identify your feelings and express them with words instead of acting them out or defaulting to drama.
When we don’t know what we are feeling, we are more likely to react than to respond. When we can identify our feelings and express them (without acting them out or defaulting to drama), we are practicing true authenticity.
Acting them out or defaulting to drama are both manipulative (although that may not be our intention).
For example, learning to say calmly: “This situation is really frustrating to me, and I’ll need to work through that before I respond in a way I regret” … is authentic, and without acting it out or dramatic.
Acting it out might look like rolling our eyes or sighing deeply with a moan as we blurt out our reaction.
Dramatic might be a blaming statement like: “You always tell me this stuff at the last minutes to stress me out.”
Assessing our feelings and sharing them in a healthy way requires emotional maturity, which is a hallmark of authenticity.
If we don’t know if we should say it … don’t.
If we don’t know if we should leave … stay.
If we don’t know the answer … silence isn’t “wrong”.
Build courage to embrace your discomfort.
Brene Brown speaks powerfully about the courage to embrace discomfort.
On Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, she stated:
“It’s he or she who’s willing to be the most uncomfortable that can rise strongest. Discomfort is actually the way home. It may be more tempting to lean away from discomfort with ‘a glass of red wine, or six’ but leaning in is far more powerful.”
She has also said: “I think the people who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses in this world. This is especially true of people who rumble with failure. These are people who choose courage over comfort, accountability over blame, and are able to embed key learnings from failures into their lives.”
Authenticity is about embracing our discomfort, and leaning into it in order to pull benefit from it, and create narratives internally (and expressed externally) that are true and accurate.
Become aware of your values and live accordingly.
If we’re not aware of our core values, it’ll be impossible to live them out congruently.
Not to mention that many of our values were installed on our “heart drive” (spirit) and “hard drive” (brain) by the time we were 7 years old. And we don’t even know if they appropriately represent us any longer.
This is why there is so much self-sabotage that occurs. We’re trying to move forward in our lives with an old value system that may say that to do so is greedy. Or to do so is arrogant.
Taking the time to assess your values and edit them is crucial to live with true authenticity.
There are many more, but that’s where my client and I began … and from where he gained great momentum in moving toward authenticity.
I hope you will practice them as well!
*****
My client did indeed get started on the 5 suggestions I gave him for beginning to build authenticity.
The result?
His wife sent me a wonderful thank you note assuring me that their marriage was better than it had ever been.
His next review came with a hearty raise and a significant bonus
He told me his life was more meaningful than he had ever been.
All of us have an authentic self.
Some hit the parental lottery.
Their mom had the heart of Mother Teresa
with the savvy that matched her heart.
Their dad was Mr. Rogers with
the intuition of Solomon …
They were authentically mentored,
to be authentic from day one.
But the truth for most?
We had to create a false self to survive the blushing moments.
And now there’re part of our adulthood.
But now we know when and why they happen.
So … we’re halfway to authenticity … so … let’s take it home!
Across the finish line!
LET’S DO THIS!!
