“I know I’ve been a very difficult client, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes!” my client blurted out in his opening comments.
To be honest with you, I’m not sure which of us was more surprised to hear those words come out of his mouth!
Although I’m not 100% sure what brought him to that place, it was music to my ears.
And I was eager to hear how his wife felt about it. I was also surprised at his response to that question…
“Well, I haven’t said that to her yet. Because I’ve made promise after promise that I’ve not kept, and no one knows that better than you. So, I guess I was kind of hoping you could help me figure out a way to say it that she might find believable,” he responded.
I nodded with curiosity and waited.
“I heard her ask her sister for the referral information on her attorney,” he said quietly, as his voice broke, with a humility I had never witnessed previously.
He gathered himself and continued:
“At that moment, I remembered something you said to me years ago: ‘We can complete her healing process without you. However, it will take much longer. And as she heals and realizes that you were unwilling to help her heal, she may no longer have the grace and patience for your drinking, your negativity, and your abusive words and tone.”
He stared at the floor a moment before he continued.
“I’m sure I rolled my eyes when you said it, but those words came back to me, echoing in my ears when I heard her ask for the attorney referral.”
As I leaned forward, gathering my words for my response, he stated, in a begging tone: “Please tell me it’s not too late!”
I’m beginning a series on healing what you’ve broken … because this is not the first time I’ve heard this scenario.
-Sometimes the husband.
-Sometimes the wife.
-Newlyweds and couples married 40 years.
-Some with addictions in the marriage.
-Some without.
But the story is the same.
I hear it often.
Way too often.
I do my best to help people understand the power of healing partnership. In my practice, in my workshops, in my online groups, in my blogs.
And all too often, like this client, the desire to heal what’s been broken in another is only activated by the departure of the one who was broken.
The first time I heard Calum Scott and Leona Lewis sing the song, “You Are the Reason“… I was in my car driving. The tears begin hitting my jeans so hard that I exited the tollway and began to sob.
(If you’re curious, click here to hear the song, click here).
These lyrics, of the one who waited too late to reach out to help their partner heal … was the theme of what I had seen in my practice for many years:
There goes my heart beating
‘Cause you are the reason
I’m losin’ my sleep
Please come back now
There goes my mind racin’
And you are the reason
That I’m still breathin’
I’m hopeless now
I’d climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I’ve broken
Oh, cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
There goes my hands shakin’
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleedin’
I need you now, oh
If I could turn back the clock
I’d make sure the light defeated the dark
I’d spend every hour of every day
Keeping you safe I’d climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I’ve broken
‘Cause I need you to seeThat you are the reason
Why was I so moved?
I had sat with hundreds of people in my office … wishing someone would climb every mountain and swim every ocean. Just to be with them, and fix what they’d broken.
And quite honestly … I was just wishing that someone had even been willing to just climb a flight of stairs or jump across a puddle to fix what they had broken in my life.
As I sat in the back parking lot of a store where I had pulled off the tollway, I vowed to myself and to God … dedicating my life to calling forth courage and helping to equip people to heal what they’ve broken.
Whether you’ve broken trust, broken promises, broken another’s spirit, broken their hearts, or broken someone’s life … this is for you! (And likely at one degree or another, it applies to all of us!)
I don’t know how long this series will last, but I do know this. If I were only allowed one contribution in this life … this would be it.
To call forth courage.
To see trauma healed.
To see hearts healed.
To see people step up and become healing partners.
It perhaps requires the most courage of anything else in life.
But I’m hoping to call forth that courage in you.
And to call it forth even further in myself!
(From my AA friend. “At some point in our journey of recovery, what seemed a stupid thing to do [because of our acute denial loop] which was to admit powerlessness, is somehow transformed into a courage of acceptance of who we are. That’s the spiritual transformation that happens to all who give themselves to this simple program. Who learn they’re different, not in a negative way, but in a biological way. When alcoholics drink, unlike others, an allergic craving is set off and we can’t help but chase what stays in the forefront of our brain. That neuro reaction is not our fault … but who we’ve become is ours to fix and only by the courage of surrender. At the same time, we must turn in and heal what we’ve broken!)
1. Why do we find it so hard to fix what we’ve broken?
“I think the reason it’s hard for me to want to help her heal is that most of the hurt that I’ve caused, well … I didn’t intend to hurt her,” my client explained.
I responded with this:
“Most of the time, when we hurt others, we don’t intend to hurt them. (Although I think we would all have to admit that there are moments when we do intend to hurt). But I believe you, when you say that is not usually the case.”
I told him there were some important things I wanted to share, and I really hoped he would tune in 100%.
Whether we are the one hurting someone, or the one being hurt, we should all avoid judging the other one’s intentions.
However, intentionality (one way or the other) does not negate the hurt.
Most of us have been in at least a fender bender accident in our vehicles.
None of us intends to hit another vehicle, or for anyone to hit ours.
But it does not negate the fact that there are scrapes, dented fenders, or totaled cars as a result.
I don’t believe the policeman, or emergency responders arrive on the scene asking: “Did you intend to hit this car?”
DUH!
They first begin tending to the people involved, making sure they’re OK, or working with them and transporting them to get the care they need.
Then they tend to the vehicles, moving them out of the way and calling tow trucks if they’re not able to be driven away.
There is NO talk about intentions.
At another day and time, intentions can certainly be discussed.
But not until the wounded heart is addressed.
“Well, I get that and it makes me feel like a total jerk!” my client commented.
I grinned at him as I responded with: “I’m relieved you called yourself a ‘jerk’ so I didn’t have to!”
We both had a good laugh, because he knew me well enough to know that I would never say such a thing.
The second reason we resist healing what we’ve broken is that we assume that doing so makes us guilty of being a ‘bad person’ or a person of ‘poor character’.
Rarely is that true.
You’ve heard it said that “Hurt people … Hurt people.”
There’s a lot of truth to that.
If we’ve experienced any trauma (at all) in our lives, we’re highly likely to repeat that trauma if it remains unresolved.
“You’re going to make me look at this trauma thing, one way or another, aren’t you?” my client jabbed me with the question.
I nodded as I responded: “Well, when your mother was up in your face, traumatizing you with her words, her tone, and her aggressive behaviors from the time you were 2 years old (that we know of) … That becomes a “normal” response to us. And we’re highly likely to repeat it.”
I continued.
“I know how deeply some of those things hurt you. But I have a question.
Did she ever once acknowledge your hurt? Or come back around and try to help you heal or recover from it?”
He snapped back: “Hell no! She walked away proud of herself …”
I stated pointedly:
“Then that also became the ‘norm’ for you … to walk away from hurt you’ve caused.”
He became very quiet at that moment. My goal was not to silence him, but to help him see why the unresolved trauma was being repeated in his current situation.
Most of you reading this have hurt someone you love. Deeply.
But I would venture to guess that you had no intentions (most of the time) to cause deep hurt.
And that your own unresolved trauma prevents you from going back to fix what’s broken.
-You’re not a bad person.
-You’re not a person of poor character.
But from this day forward, you are responsible to turn back and heal what you’ve broken.
“I am hoping that understanding this fuels your courage to do what needs to be done,” I commented, inviting my client to come forward with his courage.
[From my AA friend. “You hear a lot of traumatic hurt in AA meetings. No wonder me/we/they medicate. Truth is (all humans) are little children in adult bodies expected to respond as the adult we appear to be. It’s those childhood soul tattoos that’ve caused us alcoholics to feel like we don’t fit; within ourselves or in the world. So, we drank/drink to medicate. Because we think (like our first drunk and any good ones that followed) it helps us feel like the adult person we should be. Then we create an emotional life around our medicating. Then when we quit drinking, many if not all of us, stay emotionally immature … OR … become a reactionary dry drunk. Quitting brings clarity and clarity presents this choice; it’s time to grow up.]
2. What happens in our brains to make us not respond and help?
When we have been traumatized in any way, and encounter a situation that senses hurt or really … any heightened emotion… our brains go immediately to one of the 3 F’s:
- Fight.
- Flight.
- Freeze.
(Then sometimes we go to the fourth F, which is fawning. Fawning is acting like we are taking ownership with love bombing, without really being remorseful or becoming a part of the healing process.)
When we note that we’ve hurt someone, we normally immediately resort to one of the top 3 F’s.
I asked my client, “When you realize you’ve hurt her, do you ever start a fight?”
As he pondered the question, I shared: “I’m only asking because when you realize this and recognize the dynamic, most people stop repeating it.”
After another moment of thought, and tucking his head, he said: “She would say I do that all the time.”
He continued: “I start a fight about why she shouldn’t be hurt, or over a small piece of information that does not matter…”
I waited.
“Like last week when I told her I didn’t want to pick up her medication for her because it was out of my way.”
“I knew she was sick, and I knew she was hurt by what I said. So, I started a fight about her not telling me earlier that she needed it. About how she always expects me to jump up at the last minute and do what she needs.”
He paused and continued.
“Within minutes, I was righteously out the door. As I drove, I felt bad, and texted her to let her know I would pick it up. She had already made other arrangements.”
I asked gently, “Can you see how that was really … just a way for you to not tend to her hurt? And a total lack of care that you wouldn’t drive ‘out of your way’ when she was sick?”
He nodded with shame.
“And what about flight? Do you ever just leave when you know you’ve hurt her?”
“I get it. Yes… When she’s hurt, I stomp off irritated that she’s hurt. When it’s really about my discomfort, and putting myself first,” he disclosed.
I acknowledged his courage to see that and admit it.
“And what about freeze? Do you ever freeze when she’s hurt?”
“I guess I do that when it happens in the car. I don’t know what to do or say, and so I just go silent, and then usually turn on the radio.”
“And how does that work out for you?” I asked in a Dr. Phil style voice.
“It starts up a Cold War,” he acknowledged.
“And as we move forward and I teach you what to do in those moments, do you think you’ll be more aware?” I asked sincerely.
He nodded shamefully.
“And I guess if I resolved my trauma, I would not resort to those things?” he asked with a little boy innocence.
“There’s a high likelihood of that!” I affirmed.
What about you? When you’ve created hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, do you automatically go to fight, flight, or freeze?
If you’re aware of this, you can begin to choose new ways to address the hurt.
But for now, it’s an automatic reflex.
And why so many of us have hurt that desperately needs to be fixed.
Let’s change that!
Emotional habits are the road to our success and our demise.
Replacing what’s been wired into our unconscious that runs our life, takes reflective intuitive work.
Simple but profound in its impact.
-We can go back.
-See ourselves as that wounded child, adolescent, or adult.
-Lift ourselves in that moment by the volition of our hearts to heal.
-And allow the faith of trusting this transformational willingness to change us!
-It’s that simple.
-It’s that complex …
I CAN help you … that’s what I do best!
3. Where does our courage go in moments when we have the opportunity to fix what we’ve broken?
“I really have no idea where my courage goes,” my client admitted.
“When she’s hurt, I think I feel like a little boy wandering around in traffic on an LA freeway at 5 PM on Friday afternoon,” he muttered.
But he quickly recovered with: “I know there’s no excuse for it!”
I nodded with understanding.
When we’ve experienced any trauma at all, even if it’s trauma that we have caused, our reptilian brain reverts back to our own moment of trauma.
We’re not thinking about that moment of trauma from the past, it’s an auto pilot response. Our brains go back to that time that we were traumatized, and we were void of courage.
-We were void of the ability to stand up for ourselves/protect ourselves.
-We were void of physical/mental/emotional/spiritual strength.
-We were at someone else’s mercy.
Our brains take us back to that moment (even though it’s out of our awareness). It takes us back to the moment we couldn’t find courage if our lives had depended on it.
“I know that sounds cowardly … but that’s exactly what happens to me,” he confessed.
“As you know, I work in a highly stressful situation, where the entire worldwide organization requires me to solve technology problems in a matter of minutes.”
“I step into the challenge, grab my courage, and my best technical thinking processes … and I fix it!”
“But when it’s my wife, I’ll do anything to avoid it, or even acknowledge there’s anything to be fixed,” he admitted.
I responded with truth and compassion.
“Yes, I do know those things. And with your permission, I’d like to share your story.”
He nodded, giving me permission with a perplexed look on his face: “Why would you want to share the story of a ‘cowardly jerk’?”
“Because that’s not who you are. And because I think others seeing what’s going on in them internally will help them find their own courage. And begin to do things differently to attend to and fix what they broken.”
He closed with: “If it will help someone, tell them everything!”
“But also tell them I love her, and I’m finally ready to do whatever it takes!”
***
I am writing this week to both people.
To those of you who’ve hurt someone that needs to be fixed.
You’ve hurt them deeply.
And you’ve left them alone to heal the damage you’ve done.
I’m writing to you today and sharing this story so that you will know and believe that you’re not a bad person.
You’re simply reacting from your own hurt.
My goal is to call forth your courage and equip you to fix what you’ve broken.
I know you want that!
I’m also writing to those who’ve been hurt.
I know you’ve been hurt deeply.
And you’ve been left on your own to heal.
In most cases, it was a reaction to their own unhealed hurt and unresolved trauma.
That doesn’t excuse it.
That does not help you heal.
But what I’m hoping… is that it will give you the ability to find a bit of grace as I help those who have broken you to learn how to turn in and heal.
Intimacy is fragile and takes great care to mentor and to find. Very few of us saw it or lived around it or lived in it growing up. Intimacy is either the playground for us or the graveyard of our inner child/self.
Healing partners nurture the wonder.
The playground for healing partners awaits.
However, unattended to … the graveyard is always there.
You can heal without them, but healing it together is a magical … sacred experience that we all deserve.
Let’s become healing partners!
