“Believe it or not, I’m really ready to start this process and help my wife heal,” my client proclaimed.
It was music to my ears, but I knew how much more it would mean to her.
-It had been a rodeo for several years.
-An ever increasing increase in his drinking.
-Justification that an online affair wasn’t ‘that bad’.
-Him denying his own trauma that he was reenacting in the marriage.
I wish I could say it only took a few sessions to get his attention.
To get him on board with the healing process.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
And all too often … it’s not.
One of the reasons I encourage people to stay committed and continue believing that things will turn around … is because more often than not … they eventually do.
(Of course I don’t encourage people to stay in active abuse, and always to set boundaries to take care of themselves!)
But if you happen to be reading this as one of those who’s broken something, this is not permission for you to draw this out and stall.
I’ve never seen ‘a single one’ of these cases where a rodeo was involved, that there was not deep regret.
Looking back at how their dysfunctional coping mechanisms, unwillingness to take ownership, and delaying the healing process … created great regret that was so deep, that even that required great healing.
Whether you broke something … a promise, a heart, a vow, or a life … just know that the sooner you involve yourself in the healing process, the sooner the one you hurt will heal. And the sooner your life will regain balance and become a rich and abundant life once again!
Too often, the one that broke something would rather leave and start fresh.
They say things (before ever really getting involved in the healing process) like: “I just don’t know if he/she will ever get over this…” OR “I don’t know if I can ever do enough to heal this.”
(From my AA friend. “Poor me’s are calculated excuses every addict is an emotional pro at. They spend their lives reading you. Not so they can empathize or be all in, but so they can appear that they do. So they can fulfill the planning of their drinking/using. That’s always on the front burner and I’m sorry to say, that until they’re willing to say ‘I’m powerless over this way of thinking’ can they ever begin to address the substance abuse. Don’t let them ‘bs’ you. If they’re ready they’ll end the emotional-drama-attempts they use to protect their right to abuse.”)
Unfortunately, neither the excuses nor walking away work. They end up repeating history and wishing they had fixed things the first time!
I’ve spent several weeks preparing you for the actual steps of healing.
As I’ve mentioned, this is a process, not an event.
But the effort you put into it will be well worth the effort!
I begin with 3 steps this week.
With more to come in the following weeks.
I hope you’ll take each step seriously and follow it thoroughly.
Not only will the results turn ashes into beauty, but you will also be modeling for your young children, your adult children, for those you mentor… how to fix what’s broken.
Nothing speaks louder than leading by example.
It’s a servant serving themselves to serve others … that’s humility.
100% of humans are capable of this process.
It might seem awkward and unnatural in the beginning,
but it’s a life skill that you will cherish.
Not only will it heal relationships, but I’m a big believer,
that it will take you to greater places in your life!
“After all I’ve done, I’m not sure I can see it taking me to great places. But if it will heal my wife and mean something to our kids, I am all in!”
And he was indeed all in! As I hope and pray you will be.
(From my AA friend. “Unbeknownst to yourself, you create great distrust with most things and people. That’s who you become. It’s never sudden. It’s always gradual like your addiction; ever progressing in an all-encompassing goal to eventually plan your day towards regret. That’s why recovery focus has to be from the heart/the spirit and not our head. Our brain/our soul-mind are compromised. They’re stuck making the connections with old survival thought processes still needing to be numbed to convince us one more time … that they work. You can ONLY heal that kind of crazy through the unseen, unthought of wisdom, that can ONLY be found by surrendering.)
1. Initiate the conversation… How they felt then, how they feel now.
“The most critical thing to begin the healing process is that you must initiate the conversation,” I informed my client.
With a deep remorse, he responded: “I know I’ve promised dozens of times that I would initiate these conversations. And there was always a reason I didn’t.”
He paused, obviously choking back emotion.
“Selfishness. That’s all it was. I wanted her to heal my way. And my way was for her to come to you, and come back fixed … and over it,” he stated, then paused and continued.
“And when she asked for a couple of weeks off work to go and just be on the beach and heal, I told her we couldn’t afford for her to take that kind of time off. Much less pay for a place for her to stay,” he reminisced … and went on.
“And when she offered to camp out to save that expense, I still refused. Selfish!” he admitted.
“I remember you saying that to me, that wanting her to heal my way was pushing her out of the marriage,” he said with a broken voice.
“But it took her telling me she needed to leave the marriage to get my attention. That’s nothing but selfish,” he confessed.
“So absolutely … YES! No more broken promises. I will initiate the conversation!”
I coached him as I’m coaching you …
Ask for some time, and set it up thoughtfully.
He chose to ask her to spend some time with him on a Sunday afternoon.
It happened to be a beautiful day, and he knew how much she enjoyed cheese and crackers with fruit.
He prepared a little basket with some cold drinks and packed two collapsible camping chairs and drove them out to a quiet place by the lake.
(You know how to set it up in a way that will be meaningful to the one you’ve broken. Make the time, put some thought into it, and initiate the conversation.)
I invited him to print four copies of the list of feelings that I gave him.
“Begin with telling her how sorry you sincerely are for promising to have this conversation many times and that you know it’s past time. But you desire it and are ready to have it.”
I paused until I could see he was with me.
“Then tell her you have printed a copy of a long list of feelings. And that you would like for her to look over the list and then tell you which ones she felt when she found out that what she suspected was true… that you were having an online affair,” I instructed.
“I can see you are overwhelmed by the list,” I commented.
He nodded and asked innocently: “What if she says she felt every one of these?”
“That could be the case,” I acknowledged. “Make room in your heart to hear and grasp every single one of them.”
I continued.
“I want you to have a highlighter or some kind of writing utensil and I want you to place a check on your list next to each one that she reads out to you.”
I could see he was holding his breath and was clearly overwhelmed.
Or perhaps he was just trying to blink back the tears that were now escaping his eyes.
“I know I deserve to hear every single one she reads out, but it feels like my heart will explode!” he managed to get out between deep sobs.
With great compassion, I said: “I know this will be hard. But my hope, and my prayer is that you will be able to keep the focus on how hard it’s been for her to feel these … Alone. And to carry them around all this time!”
[From my friend in AA. “You think the old tricks still work but trust me when I say … you’ve been figured out for a long time. Your spouse knows all the moves now and knows that you live half present or not at all. It’s sad but they know they’re not priority and why wouldn’t they withhold affection and intimacy? If you’re there … you’re at the end of the road and the only healthy way towards any direction is to focus on changing everything which is a solo dance. As the Big Book says, (Rarely have we seen anyone fail who has thoroughly followed our path). Your ideas no longer work but until you know they don’t … you’ll never find hope.”]
He dropped his head into his hands, and the only intelligible words I could decipher were: “I’m just so sorry for what I’ve done to her!”
-This will be difficult for you too.
-But the results will be worth every second of the difficulty.
-You’ve worked hard for several weeks gathering your courage.
-And now you are ready!
But first … let’s go over the second part of the instruction for this step.
2. Master reflecting, validating, empathizing.
“I know you’ve had to hold my feet to the fire on this, but I think I’m better?” my client half asked.
“You are better, but you simply must get this right in this feelings exercise with her!” I coached him.
“This popped out of my mouth one time, and it’s not something I would normally say … But I’m going to say it to you, so you get the point… For once in your selfish life … Let this be about her and her pain! And not about you!” I instructed him.
Although he did burst out laughing, he clearly got it.
I reviewed with him that I would like to review with you.
“The reason I want you to have your own copy of the feeling list and a marker or a pin to mark them with, is because after she goes through all of the feelings that she had when she found out about your online affair, I want you to reflect those back to her.”
He stared as I continued.
“Not just the words, but with the same tone and sentiment that she read them to you. After you’ve reflected those back, then I want you to validate. That’s where you begin with the stem sentence: ‘It makes sense to me that’…”
I was careful to make sure he was with me.
“That’s where you insert something that you learned listening to her. Or an insight you had. Or something that you had never connected the dots on previously.”
“Then you empathize. You do that with this stem sentence: ‘After listening to you share those feelings, I’m guessing right now you must be feeling’ … Then make your very best guess about what 3 feelings she might be feeling at that very moment …”
“It’s OK if you’re wrong. As long as you’re making sincere guesses from trying to look at it from her point of view.”
Then you ask, “Did I get that right?”
“If you did, then you move on. If not, you ask her to clarify. Then reflect that and ask if you got it right… Until you do get it right!”
“I think I can do that now!” he said sincerely with real determination.
“Then, I want you to set aside your list of feelings that you just checked off and ask her if she would be willing to look at her list again and share the feelings that she feels about it now, 2 years later. Check off her words on your fresh list.”
He put his hand to his heart as if it was just too much.
I understood totally. And before he said a word, I said, “Remember … she’s been carrying these around for over 2 years.”
“Then after you complete reflecting, validating, and empathizing… You have finished the first 2 healing steps.”
“I will do a great job with this. She deserves it!” he stated with great sincerity.
I know you will do a great job with it too. You’ve done step one, and step two for this week. But let’s take one more step.
(From AA friend. “I live by this with my wife. Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said by me? It’s 100% good all the time … every time.”)
3. Invite them to draw something to represent the state of their mind and heart since they’ve been broken.
“You will also need to come to this conversation with some blank paper and markers or Crayola’s or something of that nature.”
“After the first 2 steps, ask her if she’d be willing to draw something to represent the state of her mind and heart since she’s been broken. When she does, thank her. Ask her if she would like to share anything about it.”
“If she does, reflect, validate, and empathize. If she doesn’t, take it in your hands, and tell her that your hope or prayer is that as you continue the healing exercises with her, that this will look much different.”
“Then you take this piece of paper, and daily (between the day she draws or writes on it and your next healing meeting, which should be next week) … Date it and write a short note, a quote, or a prayer on it.”
He looked at me a bit perplexed.
I suggested that some people like to write encouraging quotes like…
“To the world you may be one person, but to one person (me) you are the world.” — Bill Wilson
If praying is a part of your world view, some people write a quick prayer like “God please help heal what I’ve broken in my wife.”
Some people write a short love note like: “I love you with all of my heart, and I am committed to fixing what I’ve broken!”
Do not share them with her, but keep writing from your heart daily.
Just something short.
You will use this in a later step.
If you do these 3 things, with the attitude we’ve set in place over the past number of weeks, you will be off to a great start of powerful healing!
*****
Fixing what we’ve broken requires courage, strength of character, and time. But I’ve never had a soul complete this process and not say it was one of the greatest things that they had ever done in their life.
I know you will come away with the same report.
The greatest reward is seeing healing flow into the one that you’ve broken. It’s humbling, and it’s powerful.
(From my AA friend. “When you change, they change, when they change and you change, you both change, when you both change … everything changes. The key? Clean up your side of the street-ONLY.”)
If you happen to be one of those people that has put it off, doubted that it was necessary, or hoped you could skate by without it…You’re missing out on something beautiful.
I wouldn’t want you to miss out on it!
Forever, hopeful for you and your marriage!
