“You saw on the video that I torpedoed my walls and the barricades around my heart last week! Are we done yet? ‘Cause you are wearing me out!“
What a twinkle in my eyes, I responded: “Those are the most hopeful words I’ve heard since we started! Because when we get to the end of you, there’s a whole new world of love and connection for you and your wife out there!“
Then I began to reflect upon, and validate, all the hard work he had done over the past number of weeks.
He nodded affirmatively, so I asked him what improvements he has seen in their relationship? From a sincere heart, he said, “It’s the first time in a number of years that I thought we would make it. But better than that, I wouldn’t trade this girl and what we have for a barrel full of one thousand dollar bills!“
Just weeks after him asking me to pronounce his marriage dead, it was beginning to rise again!
If you’ve been following me through the weeks, I have been going through each of these five ways to resurrect a relationship. Or make an OK relationship better. Or better yet, to make a good relationship extraordinary!
If you’ve missed any of them, the links for each of the first three weeks are below:
I. Change THE ATMOSPHERE AND CULTURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP (AND YOUR HOME) (Click here to read more).
II. JOIN HANDS AND BECOME PARTNERS … HEALING PARTNERS (Click here to read more).
III. DREAM TOGETHER ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT, LISTEN WITH YOUR MICKEY/MISSIE MOUSE EARS ON, AND TAKE THE BARRICADE OFF YOUR HEART (Click here to read more).
IV. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO YOU ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND TAKE MASSIVE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO CORRECT AND/OR IMPROVE IT!
V. DEVOTE 30 TO 40 MINUTES EACH EVENING FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION, AND GRATITUDE FOR PROGRESS!
This week we are looking at # 4: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO YOU ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND TAKE MASSIVE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO CORRECT AND/OR IMPROVE IT
Here are the five steps to accomplish this and move your relationship beyond anything you ever dreamed it could be:
1. Do an honest self-assessment, and realize none of us can honestly and accurately evaluate ourselves.
It’s a great idea to do a good self-assessment at least quarterly. Preferably monthly. The self-assessment consists of these things:
- What have been my wins?
- How have I shown up in my intimate relationships?
- How have I shown up in my family relationships?
- How have I shown up in my professional relationships?
- What have been my mistakes/challenges?
- What did I learn from those?
- What are my growing edges?
There are many fancy definitions for “growing edges.” One definition is:
Your growing edge is that area of your life where there’s still a lot of room for improvement but you’re pushing ahead and stretching the margins of that area every day. For some this is productivity in business, for others it’s personal balance, for still others it’s family time and quality of interaction.
I like to make the definition simple:
Any area of your life where you know you are not operating as your best and highest self, or living passionately with great purpose.
Personally, I conduct my self-assessment monthly, and my deeper assessment quarterly. I have a group of people that I lovingly call: “My Personal Board of Directors.“
Each time I complete the assessment, I send it to them for accountability of the previous month/quarter, and for accountability for the coming quarter.
Currently, I am reworking my personal board. Just in case you don’t have one, here are my personal qualifications for my board members:
- They have known me for at least five years
- They have exposure into my life
- They are great cheerleaders and supporters of me and my purpose
- They are courageous and bold enough to deliver words that I need to hear
- They deliver those words with grace and respect, while holding me accountable.
I not only share my monthly/quarterly self-assessment with them for encouragement and accountability, but I also ask them to speak into my life. To lovingly point out what I am missing.
Yes, it requires great courage to do so, but I believe it is crucial for us to become our best version of ourselves! In our marriages, in our families, in our profession, in all areas of our lives.
I believe that to be an effective healing partner, we need to be in a constant pattern of growth. Often we can become lazy if we are not evaluating how we are showing up.
I’m not sure that anyone is excited to do this, but it is an opportunity for great growth in all areas of your life.
Ultimately, we are better partners, better professionals, better family members, better friends, and more likely to be the best version of ourselves in all roles!
Start your self-assessment today, then share it with your accountability group or mentors.
2. Get honest with yourself and evaluate how consistent this is with how you present yourself in public, and with all you would like to be.
Once you have performed your self-assessment, it’s a good time to have an integrity check.
I had a great pastor/professor early in my college days. He did a leadership forum with a group of us. One of the first topics was integrity.
We walked into the room one day and he had written on the board: “Who you are in your worst moment at home (with the people you love), should be better than your best moment on the stage of the public.
That struck me. I had to pause a moment to truly understand what it meant. It meant that I should be more remarkable at home than I am in public. Hmmm …
At the time, I was 20 years old and newly married. It hit me to the core, because I had spent the week crying and begging God to let me go home. I hated being married, I hated my job, I hated rat hole we left it.
The day before, on Sunday, I had sung with the music, sign language, drama team I traveled with, and had a big smile and bright countenance.
Now it was Monday, and he was asking if anyone was vulnerable enough to do their integrity check with what was written on the board.
I would have rather died then share. So I was horrified when Dr. James K. Bridges noticed the tears involuntarily escaping from my eyes and came and sat with me and began to walk me through the exercise.
He was so kind, so gracious, and so affirming. I’ve never forgotten that day. It has impacted and directed my life since.
I wish I could tell you that I follow this every single day of my life. I still fail at times, but I am willing to dust myself off, learn from it, and do my best to present myself at home, or in my intimate circles, in a way that displays integrity. No hypocrisy. Just integrity. Giving my best to those I love.
At the time, the job I hated was as a night shift manager at Jack-in-the-Box. The next night, Dr. Bridges pulled through the drive-through and I always recognized his voice.
The night was cold. Very cold. I was working the drive-thru window and had a huge jacket and gloves on.
As I handed him his coffee, he said to me, “Can you meet me at that office building across the street tomorrow morning at 8 AM?”
Although I had no idea why, I said that of course I would.
The next morning, I walked in and he introduced me to my new boss. He said there were not many things that he was able to do to help, but he knew there was an opening there, and he knew I would be a perfect fit.
That job set the stage for many things in my life. The powerful outcome is what gave me the courage to continue sharing my life challenges with trusted friends and colleagues and growing beyond them.
Who are you at home? Who are you with your partner? Who are you with your kids? Who are you in public?
Bring them into line, and you will automatically be a better healing partner!
3. Embrace a powerful mindset about what is possible.
Many of us have a better mindset about who we think will win the Super Bowl, or March Madness, or the Masters than what we believe is possible for us.
But when it comes to what we believe about what we can do to become better, and make changes, is often skewed with beliefs of what is not possible for us.
If I had a dollar for everyone who has said to me things such as this, I would be wealthy beyond words:
- It’s just who I am
- Just let me be like I am
- You can’t teach an old dog new tricks
- I’m too old to change
- I don’t know how to change
- I’ve just been this way for too long
- This is just the way our family is
- I’ve made too many mistakes to become anything
- That’s good for the rich people who aren’t under the kind of stress I am
- I can’t be what he/she needs
- I’ll never be able to make him/her happy
The list goes on
Your brain, your intelligence, your body, and your best effort can only take you to where you believe you can go. If you have limits set on yourself, make note! Then step up what you believe is possible.
Now I’m not ridiculous about this. I’m not one who believes that if you are in debt that you just quit your job and believe. Then sit at home and expect checks to come in the mail.
But I do believe when you’re in debt up to your ears, that you can be creative about extra ways to earn money to pay it down, and you can have supernatural strength to do what you need to do.
Don’t limit yourself! We have limits because we grew up with limits.
But they are not sealed in stone. Snatch those limiting thoughts and beliefs out of your brain, and step up to what is really possible!
I have a worldview (and do my best to live it) that says: With God… ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!“ I would love for you to adopt a similar level of belief and what is possible for you, for your relationship, and for your life!
It’s the only way you can get there!
4. Choose at least three needed changes, make a plan, take action!
When you begin to assess who you have become in your relationships, even if you have made great and consistent efforts, all of us have at least three things that we could change. Three things that would make us a better person, and definitely a better partner in our relationship. Particularly when it comes to being healing partners.
I’ve been sharing through the series about a wonderful couple that I have been walking with to restore their marriage and make it extraordinary.
He is such a comedian, making difficult work delightful. I loved his comeback after we had gone through his self-assessment and I asked what three things that he was going to address to make himself a better husband, healing partner, and ultimately a better man.
His retort was: “Three? Only three? It took me five days to do that assessment, and when I turned it over to my new mentor group … with their input, I ended up with 998 things on my list I needed to address!“
We all had a good laugh, and the truth is most of us could probably benefit from 998 things. But taking three at a time, and diligently addressing them, is typically more than enough.
I was very interested to hear what his mentoring group had narrowed the list down to:
- Be just as diligent and consistent with your tender love for your wife on a daily basis as you are with your humor (ouch!)
- Begin to take care of yourself by improving your hygiene, exercising daily, working out in the gym three times weekly
- Spend 30 minutes of quality time with your wife daily without distractions, being fully present. Spend at least 15 minutes of quality time with your children daily and block out an hour each day of the weekend for one hour of quality family time.
Just hearing those brought tears to her eyes. We made the plan and made the commitment.
Hers were excellent also.
- Organize all of the kids activities more succinctly so that she was less fatigued by the end of each day. And use that energy to devote quality moments to her husband.
- Cook dinner at least three times a week and create a fun family environment at the dinner table with no media.
- Lose 10 pounds, take nutritional supplements, and devise a plan to increase her energy without stimulants.
We developed her plan and made commitments.
In true comedian style, rubbing his tummy, he said, “We should’ve started this a few years ago! I’m looking forward to this!“
What about you? What three things do you need to address to be a better person? A better partner? A better parent? A better friend? A better healing partner?
Make your plan, which should involve:
- Specific goals
- Daily rituals
- Accountability
Buckle your seatbelt, you’ll be on your way to becoming your best version of YOU!
5. Get accountability.
Speaking of accountability…
Many of the modern technology conveniences, along with different ways of working since the onset of Covid, and many other things have made it easier to become less accountable.
I was attending a powerful breakthrough seminar and heard a speaker say something so powerful that I wrote it down to ponder on:
“There was a time when we were accountable to our parents, our teachers, then our employers, our neighbors, our friends at church or other organizations, etc. But now many people remain unaccountable until law enforcement steps in.“
At first I thought… What an awful thing to say! But then I thought about it…
- Many people have no accountability whatsoever.
- And without accountability, we start believing our own “stuff.“
- And one step at a time we can get off track and not realize how far of track we are…
- Until we are in trouble.
Don’t be one of those people. Set up your own accountability.
I mentioned the criteria that I have for my personal board above. You should have similar thoughts about the criteria for who would best be in your accountability group.
I’d like to suggest that you have three people in your accountability circle. Perhaps one will be your main person, who I call the “Chair of my Board”.
There is an old proverb says: “In the multitude of counselors/mentors there is great wisdom…” I could not agree more when it comes to accountability.
Research on the benefits of people who have accountability over those who do not indicate:
- Greater commitment to growth and reaching goals
- Increase in confidence in one’s ability
- More tenacity in pursuing progress
- Improved competency
- Changes are more likely to become a habit and result in long-term change
In closing, most of us do not need more knowledge. We need a plan, we need to take massive immediate action, and we need to continue massive immediate action.
That is some thing that does not necessarily come naturally. But it is a great addition to our lives.
I am a big believer in MIA! I tell people it means one or two things:
- Massive Immediate Action… The willingness to do whatever it takes to restore your relationship to extraordinary
- Or Missing In Action… Which sad to say, is the road often travel. Stepping back, hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Doing nothing.
There’s more to you than that! Your relationship is worth fighting for. Take massive immediate action! Let’s take your marriage to EXTRAORDINARY!
You can do this! And you and your spouse deserve this!
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