“I couldn’t believe it when my wife said to me: ‘YES! Who you are makes a difference … it ruins many days of my life! But I’m not sure that’s a difference you should be proud of!’ I was just stunned!” my client blurted out in desperation.
“First of all, she isn’t one to say negative things … and to be honest, when I learned that statement in the Power of Purpose, I never thought about it in that direction. Like a direction that could ruin someone’s day.”
To give perspective in case you’ve not attended the Power of Purpose yet … we have a ‘gold medal ceremony’ where each team member stands in front of their team with gratitude for their gold medals.
They state (with great humility, and sometimes with great trepidation): “I deserve these gold medals.” Each team member individually responds to them: “Yes you do … and who you are makes a difference!”
(The exercise is to validate WHO they are … not what they’ve DONE!)
I nodded with empathy as he gathered himself.
He continued.
“I don’t even know what to do about this. It never dawned on me that my very presence … who I am … could have a negative or positive impact. I just show up like I am and assume no one is moved one way or another.”
I nodded again, then responded: “I think perhaps she’s telling you that your presence, your attitudes, your moods impact everyone around you. And the truth is, that’s true for all of us.”
He looked at me with a furrowed brow indicating he wasn’t ‘getting it’.
I continued: “We all have an ‘energy’ … a ‘presence’ … an influence that we carry with us. Whether we are aware of it, or unaware of it.”
Great leaders learn to use that for positive influence. But most of us are oblivious to all of this.
In the Journal of Applied Psychology, researchers reported that: “Relational energy” can affect our attitude, motivation, vitality, and physical health.”
“That’s how powerful your presence can be!” I assured him.
He still looked curious.
I continued.
“Research out of Howard University has shown that spending time around people whose presence brings positivity boosts our enthusiasm, extends our stamina, and increases our productivity. Research out of the University of Michigan shows that spending time around people who bring negativity results in increased depression, greater anxiety, places us at significantly higher risk of cardiac events or strokes and reduces the strength of our immune system.”
With apparent conviction, he asked: “So literally, I could be ruining her life?”
I waited.
“I hope to God I’m not. But if I am … do I have to leave? I mean she doesn’t deserve that! Is it possible to change it?” he trailed off in a whisper.
Again, I waited.
When he looked up, I could discern by the redness of his eyes that he wanted reassurance. “Anyone can change how they show up in the world. Moment to moment. Day by day. I hope you’re ready to look at your impact?”
He nodded, and I could see that he desired to become someone who made a difference in a positive direction,
I bet you want the same.
If you are already making a difference in a positive direction, I would guess that you, like me, would like to become even more effective.
I would love to share with you what I shared with my client.
“Some people can walk into a room and instantly put everyone at ease. Others seem to make teeth clench and eyes roll no matter what they do. A small body of psychology research supports the idea that the way a person tends to make others feel is a consistent and measurable part of his personality. Researchers call it “affective presence.” ” Julie Beck
1. Be aware of how you are showing up moment to moment.
I began with my client: “If you truly desire to change your ‘affective presence’ or how your presence affects your wife and kids, you must start by becoming aware of how you are showing up moment to moment.”
“Not just when you’re around them, but moment to moment throughout the day,” I explained.
With timid curiosity he asked, “But how would I know that? I’m just me being me.”
Interestingly, that’s the approach that most of us take. Almost as if ignorance is “bliss.”
“I understand,” I assured him. “But if you desire for who you are to make a positive difference, you must resign from that position!”
Again, with total innocence, he queried, “But how do I do that? How do I stop being ‘me’?”
I smiled at the innocence, then continued.
“Washington University researchers gave us a great definition that we can start with: ‘Affective presence refers to how we make other people feel just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions.’ It’s an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.”
I could see he was trying to take it in, so I paused a moment, then continued: “This indicates that if we want to assess our affective presence, we must examine everything. Our words, our tone, our body language, our facial expressions, our posture, our pace, our listening skills, our communication style … everything!”
My client asked with a slight begging tone.
“Oh, my goodness … can you break it down to just a few things I can pay attention to in order to get started?”
“Yes, let’s start with you doing your best to assess these 3 things all day everyday (when you’re around others) for the next week,” I suggested.
He seemed slightly relieved. Here are the 3 things I asked him to do an avid assessment on for the week.
- Assess your presence. Are you fully present in the moment? Are your thoughts focused on the moment? Remove all distractions (cell phones, newspapers, etc.) Listen for every word being spoken by you and others. Keep your focus on the present moment. When it wanders, bring it back.
- Assess your ability to be empathetic. Are you listening for feelings? Not just feeling being expressed. Listening for feelings that may be evident in tone, facial expression. Be with them and try to feel what they are feeling. Then do small gestures to show that you are connected to what they are saying. (A nod, a smile, a quick comment, such as “oh my goodness!”)
- Assess your facial expressions. Are they pleasant? Is your eye rolling speaking louder than your words? Is your expression kind? Or is it flat (which could indicate disinterest)?
With an eye roll, while pointing his own finger at his eyes, he commented: “So, I gotta stop this?”
We both laughed.
“If you want to make a positive difference with your presence … yes you can say something like, ‘That’s a little frustrating to me …’ with a kind tone, and keep your presence positive,” I apprised him.
“This is going to take some work. But I can see how I don’t do any of those things …” Then he added a word, “Much …”
I waited. Then he said, “Okay … rarely do I do any of them. Maybe never.”
I admired his honesty.
As someone has said, “A problem is nothing to eat and no place to live and the only thing worse? Burying one of your children. If we’re free of any of those and/or not clinically depressed … positivity is a choice.”
The truth is, we could all become a more positive influence if we added just those three things to our repertoire.
2. If you don’t like it … change it!
My client returned the following week, and I asked what he learned?
“Oh … that I don’t do any of those things. It’s HARD!”
“I understand. But did you like having to admit that? Because I don’t believe it’s who you want to be!” I mused.
“I really hated it. I really did. I could see why my wife said what she said. That felt dreadful!”
I nodded … then with a big smile said … “Then change it!”
“I knew that was coming,” he retorted. “But can I?”
“Absolutely you can!” I assured him.
We have more power to change who we are than we would all like to think.
We resort to excuses like:
- That’s just who I am.
- All of my family is like that.
- I think it’s just my age.
- Blah, blah, blah!
“Did you talk to my wife? You must have! When she made that comment to me, I said those exact words … ‘All of my family is like this’! She busted me with, ‘If they were all nudists, would you walk around baring that body of yours?’ she asked me as she pointed a my gut.”
I had to laugh. “No, I haven’t spoken to her, but I hear that often!”
With new discoveries about neuroplasticity … our ability to make changes in the deep grooves of our brain … all those excuses are out the window!
Here are 3 ways I helped my client begin to make changes in his affective presence.
- When you’re with others, listen curiously, and ask at least two questions before you respond.
“I hardly ever ask questions. What does that do?” he asked.
I smiled because I knew he was asking out of pure innocence.
“It shows interest in someone and everyone’s favorite subject is themselves,” I said quietly.
“Oh crap! I guess I prove I’m not interested in anyone when I just jump in to share my wisdom, my answers, my perspective.”
Then he immediately pushed his open hand toward me as if it was a stop sign and said: “And before you say it … it’s not my wisdom, answers, or perspective. It’s my foolishness!”
I chuckled and said, “Actually, that never crossed my mind, but I’ll take your word for it!”
- When you are around others, look beyond yourself and ask: “What do the others here need?” When we are present, and asking ourselves that question, our affective presence cannot help but be healing.
“Do ‘normal people’ do this sort of thing?” my client asked as if we were suggesting he speak Chinese.
“Well, I think ‘normal people’ might need to be defined to respond to that!” I said in jest. “But I don’t think it’s something that comes naturally to most people. However, the more we practice it, the easier it becomes.”
“And there is absolutely NO DOUBT that it makes our presence a positive influence!” I noted.
With a slight tucked head, he admitted, “I see how off base I’ve been …”
- When you’re around others, practice gratitude. Be grateful that you are there … in the moment. Be grateful for their presence. Be grateful that you can choose to be one who makes a difference.
Gratitude is a game changer. Research reveals that if we are strong in our sense of gratitude for the moment that it calms others around us.
Have you ever been around a person who just seems to come with a dose of peace for the entire situation? They’re likely immersed in gratitude, and it is contagious!
“I supposed that you won’t be surprised that I don’t think about gratitude that much,” my client stated.
But immediately added: “But I can and will change that … I can see now that I certainly bring no peace to interactions. I guess you could say that I like to debate. And stir stuff up … no wonder my wife said that I ruin days of her life …” he said with significant regret.
“Let’s turn that around with practicing these 3 things this week!” I suggested.
I could see his dedication to do so.
I hope you will be equally as dedicated!
“A positive or negative affective presence means you impact those in your presence. Cultivating a positive affective presence requires a deliberate and conscious decision to interact with others in a positive manner – it’s a choice we must make daily until it becomes part of who we are and how we present ourselves.” Bruna Martinuzzi
3. Proactively setting how you show up.
After a few weeks of practice, my client said he could “feel a shift” in all his interactions.
He beamed as he reported that his wife had said to him: “Who you are makes a difference, and I see it shifting to a positive difference. That means more to me than you will ever know.”
It was a tender moment as he was sharing that conversation.
I told him that we needed to crank his affective presence up to a whole new level.
“Well, let’s do it!” What was once responses of dread had clearly turned into expectation.
That’s what happens when we begin doing things that override the old grooves in our brain and rewire them to things that allow and encourage us to be all we were created to be.
I said to him, “I really appreciate and admire the work you’ve done over the past few weeks of being ‘present’ in the moment … listening with your brain and your heart. Walking a mile in the other’s shoes, and practicing gratitude about the moment, in the moment!”
I also let him know that I understood what a ‘tall order’ it had been for him.
He really soaked in the validation.
But I’d like to share with you what I shared with him about being proactive about who you show up to be.
I invited him (as I am inviting you) to take a few moments each morning “meditating” (focused thoughts and decisions, asking for help from above) … Setting his RAS (reticular activating system) in his brain to respond according to who he wanted to be for the day.
“Again, I’m all in … but I have not one single piece of knowledge or skill about how to do that,” he reminded me.
I nodded with understanding: “If you will spend just 10 – 15 minutes each morning … considering your day … and setting your heart, brain, and intentions on answers to these 3 questions, you will have proactively set yourself up for success with your affective presence.”
- What emotional signature will I make today? How do I desire to make the people I interact with today feel? How would I accomplish that? What would my behavior look like? My facial expressions? My words? My tone?
Then make a statement out loud: “Today, I want the people I work with to feel ______ (examples: supported, inspired). I will accomplish that by ______ (examples: speaking with kindness and respect, making eye contact, listening intently, and smiling).”
Do the same process with your wife, your children, your friends at the gym. Set it up proactively.
- What do the people I will interact with today need from me? Taking some time each morning to consider the needs of others gives us an opportunity to step outside of ourselves, which takes our affective presence off ‘auto pilot’ and makes it intentional.
After asking yourself what you believe each individual or groups of individuals might need from you today, decide to meet that need as much as possible.
Then make a statement out loud: “Today I will meet the needs of _______ (examples: my wife and kids) by _______ (examples: by making dinner time fun by asking about their days and surprising them with a trip to Yogurtland for an after dinner treat).
- What gifts do I wish to leave with the individuals or groups of individuals I will interact with today? In your mind, explore the gifts you might leave behind? A gift of peace, a gift of validation, a gift of respect.
Then ask yourself how you can leave those gifts.
I gave my client an example.
“You might want to leave your wife with the gift of ‘feeling safe’ today. You could leave that gift with her by apologizing for laughing at her and telling her she was overreacting when she shared with you how you had hurt her feelings.”
He listened as I continued.
“Even if you don’t fully understand her feelings, you can understand that you hurt her, and care about that! Do you think that might leave her with a feeling of safety?” I asked.
With regret, he shared: “It wasn’t just that once that I told you about. I do it all the time. I also say mean things when she is trying to tell me things about her feelings that make me uncomfortable.”
His voice broke as he continued: “Like last time she was sharing what I did that hurt her, I just said to her, ‘Well, I hurt you like that because I’m not sure I want to be married to you anymore.’ That’s just mean. I think you call it emotional abuse.”
He continued.
“I know that I keep her under control by making our future uncertain. I am so ashamed … she’s right … I was making a difference in her alright … but it wasn’t positive. She has never felt safe. I will leave that gift with her this very evening! I will make her feel safe.”
And he did!
Later, she came with him, and we began healing old wounds. It was a very touching process … and highly effective. Because he showed up with a positive affective presence.
*******
“I used to care a lot about how others felt about me. Did they look up to me? Did they feel good about me as their leader? But, one day, I understood that how others felt about me was irrelevant. What mattered most was how people felt about themselves in my presence. When they interacted with me, did they feel better or worse?” Bruna Martinuzzi
I wonder what our lives and the world would look like if we all invested in developing a positive affective presence?
We leave our mark every day, everywhere we go!
The question is … is it a positive mark, or a negative mark?
I have 3 questions for you:
- What emotional signature will you leave today?
- What needs will you meet today?
- What gift will you leave behind today?
Together, we can make a difference.
We WILL make a difference.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education,
Than money, than circumstances,
Than failures, than successes, t
Than what other people think, say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company.
A church.
A home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day
Regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past.
We cannot change the fact that other people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play the one string we have.
And that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me
and 90% how I react to it.”
Dr. Charles Swindoll
Let’s make it a difference that will leave others better than they were when they spent time with us!
