“The words ‘whatever it takes’ have given me chest pains and burning in my gut since I read your blog about the pro athlete who was willing to do ‘whatever it takes’ to restore his marriage.”
With curiosity, I asked her what made that phrase so disturbing?
“I’m not really sure. It’s like I have a love/hate relationship with those words. On one side, I wish I had that in me. On the other side, it scares me to death.”
I nodded with understanding. More understanding than I wish I had about her comment. I distinctly remember when I lived from that same place.
Recently, I was in a meeting where a doctor asked another person, “What does ‘whatever it takes’ mean to you?”
Sometimes I just hate being in those kinds of meetings when I’m not the one in charge.
The wonderful man who was asked the question paused, then began to ramble on, while never really grasping an answer to the question.
I wanted to jump in and say, “Don’t you understand? He has no clue what ‘whatever it takes’ means! Only Champions know that. His Champion is buried beneath the rubble of trauma, addiction, and twisted neurons that caused him to see the world inaccurately!”
I wanted to yell out: “STOP! PLEASE STOP! Just help him find his Champion. Because when the Champion within comes forth … it comes with a pure and beautiful ‘whatever it takes’ stance towards life!”
I was once quite like the young woman sitting in front of me. I wanted to live the “whatever it takes” life, but “whatever it takes” was not in me.
The truth is, it’s not in most of us. Not naturally anyway. If our Champion has been buried with disempowering messages, carried feelings, deep pain, regret, and/or trauma… “whatever it takes” is stolen from us. Totally unavailable to us.
I explained that to my client and asked her what her Champion might be buried beneath. I could clearly see that it was early trauma. I told her that I would walk her through the process of resurrecting her Champion.
(If you are new to this process, you may click here to read more about resurrecting your Champion).
Eager to hear more, she said, “Could you please tell me what it’s like for the people you know that are truly Champions and have that ‘whatever it takes’ stance towards life?”
I told her I would be delighted to do so. I believed that these three things would inspire her to stay in the game of resurrecting her Champion and embracing the “whatever it takes” in her.
If you are missing the “whatever it takes,” I hope you will resurrect your Champion. But start here and get inspired by the “whatever it takes” stance that is in residence in all Champions!
1. IT’S MORE THAN A CATCHY PHRASE WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, WITHOUT A BACKBONE. IT REQUIRES MASSIVE IMMEDIATE ACTION.
Most of us have good intentions, most of the time… but good intentions and five dollars will barely buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Let’s talk about those good intentions:
“Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.” ― T.S. Eliot
“Hell is paved with good intentions.”
― Samuel Johnson,
“A good intention is like an idea that you keep to yourself. If you don’t do something with it, it’s like it never existed.”
― Frank Sonnenberg,
“Your intentions will be good. Without consideration and forethought, however, your actions could still be evil. That is the problem, of course, evil is always easy and resisting it is never so. Evil is relentless; and anyone, if they tire, if they are not vigilant, can fall prey to it.”
― Michael A. Stackpole, I, Jedi
Without wisdom, all the good intentions in the world amount to nothing. Intending to do good without having wisdom is like intending to fly an airplane with no knowledge of airplanes or the laws of aerodynamics. Good intentions without wisdom lead to either nothing or to actual evil.”
― Dennis Prager
Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.
― Peter Drucker
Good intentions never change anything. They only become a deeper and deeper rut.
My point? Our good intentions without a backbone and massive immediate action (MIA) often do more damage than good.
You won’t find Champions using the words “good intentions” very often.
They know good intentions without a “whatever it takes” stance are just words.
My client said, “That’s exactly who I want to be. But the sad truth is, I am not. And I don’t even know what it looks like. Could you give me an example of taking a ‘whatever it takes stance’ over good intentions?”
Immediately, one of my earlier encounters with the gift of the “whatever it takes“ stance came to my mind. I asked her if she would like to hear one from my life?
“If you don’t mind, I think that would help me a lot!“
I told her the story of a young woman in her late 20s. I had known her parents for a number of years. They called me to tell me that she had been in a great career, but had been found wandering on a beach after being missing for a period of time.
They told me that “she just wasn’t right!”. Through tears, they asked me if I could help. It sounded like there had been some kind of psychotic break down. She was on the West Coast and I was in Texas.
I loved them and was so moved by their desperate cry of concern, I quickly shifted into my “whatever it takes” stance.
After calming them, I asked if they could get her to Texas? It was no simple feat to pull that off under the circumstances, but I told them that if they could get her here, I would help her.
The circumstances did not appear favorable for getting her here, or for getting her back to the daughter they knew. But I never wavered from my “whatever it takes” stance.
She arrived and after getting her stabilized with medication, things went haywire. She had another breakdown. She made some very poor choices, with some involvement of alcohol and drugs, and she ended up pregnant.
From my “whatever it takes” stance, I chose to take her on the road with me at a time when I was doing Power of Purpose workshops all over the world.
In the workshops, she would get up in the middle of a powerful exercise and clip clop out of the room, creating huge distractions. During the break, I would chase her down and work with her.
My team begged me to send her home. In my mind, sending her home had nothing to do with my “whatever it takes” stance.
Psychiatrists were telling me that she would have many more breaks and that she could not be helped. My team hoped I would ship her to her parents.
I was not in denial. I saw what was occurring, but I was in “whatever it takes” mode. I chased her down again and again. We worked on her Champion. There were many sleepless nights spent with her.
Long story short, in a matter of months, she was on her feet and doing well. The daughter they thought they had lost forever was back. She reunited with her high school love, who took the baby in as his own. Many years later, they are a beautiful family of five.
The people who witnessed the saga called it a divine miracle. I count on divine miracles and I believe in them!
However, I am also aware that had I not had the gift of stepping into my “whatever it takes” mode, there is a very big possibility that she could be wandering through life overmedicated and having break down after break down.
After hearing this story, and with tears streaming down her face, my client pleaded, “Do you promise me, that if I work through my early trauma, and resurrect my Champion within … that my ‘whatever it takes mode’ will somehow appear?
I leaned forward and took her hand to assure her that it could indeed be true for her and said, “I promise!”
What about you? Are you willing to set aside good intentions and welcome the “whatever it takes stance” into your life?
I believe the “whatever it takes stance” is in direct correlation with divine miracles! Good intentions, sometimes bring evil, sometimes bring good things. But a “whatever it takes” stance brings the miracles!
2. THEIR LIFE, MARRIAGES, INFLUENCE AND ABILITY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE DEPEND ON IT.
“Do you believe that if I allow the ‘whatever it takes stance’ to burst forward in my life that it could save our struggling marriage?”
Nodding with understanding, I shared with her: “Intimate relationships are difficult. There’s no doubt about that. But when you live in the ‘whatever it takes stance’, you will no longer have to fight your pride, your preferences, or more struggles in marriage.”
“Marriages that have the ‘whatever it takes’ stance are far more likely to succeed. But not just keeping them together … They become rich and vibrant, marriages with kindness, respect, and great intimacy.”
Some people call the “whatever it takes” stance … commitment. But commitment has become a “watered down” word that many people minimize as something you do on your wedding day, or in a moment of passion, that will fade away fairly quickly, as soon as tough times begin.
It’s very different when two people have the “whatever it takes stance” in their marriage.
I recently heard someone share with a couple what the “whatever it takes stance” means in marriage. His wise words were:
When we have a “whatever it takes” attitude in our marriage, we understand that we are not called to be understood. We are not called to protect our rights and make sure our needs are met. We are called to love one another sacrificially. If you don’t have that heart, everything else will be wasted. If you don’t have the personal conviction that says this is who and what I want to be, I want to be a “whatever it takes” man or woman, gifts are wasted.
You need to have the ability to say “Lord have mercy on me… I have not been that.” You must give up rationalizing and explaining away when you’ve messed up. You cannot justify it or mitigate it. You must say: “Oh God, I will do whatever it takes!” Otherwise, you have a jewel before you that you are not caring for or taking care of. If you won’t take care of the jewel of your marriage, you won’t take care of anything … and life becomes less valuable. You have an opportunity before you for a great life.
We must acknowledge what we’ve done to hurt others, bewail it and be sad for it. To be sickened by it. We must be repentant in our hearts. Not for our own sake, we must be sickened by the memory of things we have done. This must happen.
The only way that the spouse we want restoration with can see a vision that’s good is to not just say we’re sorry. Sorry can be about easing our own conscience. Sometimes it’s a selfish act. We have to say that we’re sorry, but we have to act in truth and make it right with one another to have a great life. We must settle for nothing less. When that happens, you will see a spouse pouring out love on you in buckets. That doesn’t come without sacrifice, but the sacrifice is worth it. We must choose in a moment of humility to be different. To do whatever it takes. It won’t be easy, but it is hopeful. It is good. It is right. You must choose death or life, blessings, or curses. You must have the will to do whatever it takes. I hope you will choose life and blessings.
Research reveals that couples willing to do “whatever it takes” have much richer, longer lasting and more intimate relationships. When interviewed, the couples with this stance toward their marriage stated that these were the things required of them to remain in that stance:
- Serving rather than seeking to be served.
- Deeming separation and/or divorce an unacceptable solution in both of their minds and hearts.
- Placing the wants and needs (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual) of the partner first, with the exception of basic self-care needs.
- Taking personal responsibility- by being emotionally mature and examining how our thoughts, deeds, and actions may sabotage our relationship or hurt our partner.
“I don’t think either one of us really does those things. It kind of doesn’t line up with a lot of popular marriage advice, does it?”
I nodded in agreement, and said, “My belief is if we make good efforts with good intentions, we are relying on ‘luck’ at best. But doing whatever it takes is a totally different thing!”
She continued, “Not only that, but I’ve always wanted to have influence for good. I’ve always longed to make a difference. But it seems like I get started on ideas and hit challenges or roadblocks. Then I just assume it wasn’t meant to be.”
I cringed a bit but smiled. “Wasn’t meant to be” is something I hear often from those who lack the “whatever it takes” stance. I said, “The greatest enemy of having influence or making a difference is not the roadblocks or challenges that pop up. It’s the lack of ‘whatever it takes determination’. You can indeed make a difference! There is no doubt that you can have influence. You simply must have the ‘whatever it takes’ stance to have the life, the marriage, the influence, and ability to make a difference that you long for.”
“So really my whole life depends on it?”
I responded, “In some ways, you can say that. Because without that ‘whatever it takes’ stance, we will never really experience the rich life we deserve and make the contributions that we deeply desire to make.”
Can you see how this “whatever it takes” stance will advance you? Your marriage? Your life? Your career? I certainly hope so!
3. THEY KNOW EVERY PERSON AND EVERYTHING THEY ARE COMMITTED TO, AND EVERYTHING THEY DEVOTE THEIR ATTENTION TO IS WORTH IT, AND IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE LIFESAVING.
“To be absolutely candid and genuinely transparent, I’ve never had that kind of regard for anyone or anything. I am ashamed. I’ve wanted to, I’ve meant to. I don’t think I have any influence anyway, but even if I did, I have felt helpless, stuck in my ways, and deflated of all power … since I was a little girl.”
I leaned toward her with understanding, as I gently said to her disappointed heart, “That’s what trauma does. No matter our gifts, no matter our opportunities, or lack thereof, no matter what doors open or close… We feel powerless to make a difference. We all want to. We say we will. And yet we are indeed … deflated.”
Tears were escaping her eyes faster than she could wipe them away. I assured her: “This is the case in your life … not because you are a horrible young woman. Not because you have no empathy, compassion, or care for others. Not because you have no desire to help. This is the sad result of unresolved trauma.”
“Can you help me?” She pled desperately. I assured her that I could walk with her, shining the light on her path forward. But that the real help came from someone greater than me and from the Champion within her.
One of the greatest gifts from doing difficult, deep soul healing is that it untangles wads of mis-wired neurons in our brains that creates the “whatever it takes” stance of being a Champion.
*******************
Recently I was asked by a wife, along with her adult son and daughter, why I believed there was still good to be found in their husband/dad.
Although I had seen the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, the deep damage done in each of the family members … I knew that their greatest healing would come if I took the “whatever it takes” stance and sent home the husband/dad he was created to be.
Do not misunderstand me… He was a handful. I heard ad nauseam from him how therapy doesn’t work. I heard the bemoaning of it wouldn’t work for him. I heard all of his excuses, justifications, explanations, minimizations and all that comes along with working with this kind of person.
But I already had my “whatever it takes stance” on.
I responded to his wife and adult children, “There’s a good man in there, and you all know that. You would have already left him or given up on him if you didn’t see it occasionally … although not nearly often enough. I know he’s a hero at work and to people at church. But, I believe there’s not a performance hero, but a real hero deep inside of him. I will do whatever it takes!” With a new spark in their eyes, they all exclaimed, “We certainly hope so!”
I’m a big believer that when my “whatever it takes” runs low on fuel, that God will refill my empty tank.
Earlier this week, I was working with him, and to be honest… at the end of a double session, I was absolutely spent.
That night, I decided to listen to the wisdom from the doctors leading the meeting earlier in the week (where the quote above about “whatever it takes” came from).
As I listened, I was inspired to higher places, deeper commitment and greater faith. In the middle of the recording, I thought, “That sentence that the doctor is speaking on that recording is something I need to say to this difficult client.” I began transcribing the comment along with its context and felt certain that it was something I needed to share.
During their marathon appointment in my office today, I was getting ready to read the comment and I could not find it on my computer. But I knew exactly where it was on the recording. I asked them if I could play something that I felt they needed to hear.
I played the 12 minute segment about the job of a husband and the “whatever it takes“ stance in marriage. On minute eleven, she began to sob and he was staring at the floor.
With no instruction whatsoever, he pushed himself from his chair to his knees before her and put his arms around her as she sobbed. He began to confess to her how sorry he was and how determined he was to heal the hurts, right the wrongs, or whatever it would take … to the point of death … to be a healing partner to her.
I sat in wonder. Just days earlier, the broken wife sat across the room from her husband, who seemed to hear some of what was said, but really never responded to the challenge. He was a weak promise. Then, he gave up on his “whatever it takes” stance in just a matter of hours.
What a difference! I knew at that moment that the doctors speaking shared their hearts at 100%. They saw no fruit from what occurred in that room, and yet almost a week later, it saved a marriage.
Why do I believe that happened? Two reasons:
- I live from the “whatever it takes“ stance. My reserves were drained, but little did I (or the two great doctors speaking that day) know that while one meeting was fruitless for the moment, their words spoke blessing and life into a couple they will likely never see.
- I’m just a big believer that when resources run low, someone greater than ourselves refills us. I was spent. I needed resources to reach a difficult client
Was the meeting earlier in the week a waste? Hardly!
In my office, a week later, there was an open heart, where words sank deeply and made a difference.
Although the heart was closed in the meeting earlier in the week, I believe seeds were sewn. My great hope is that someday that wonderful man will also resurrect his Champion and step into “whatever it takes!”
Although I don’t believe in “magic” I do believe in “magical moments.” That moment of playing the 12 minutes from the meeting earlier in the week was nurturing to the depths of my soul. Resources were provided to see a marriage saved.
There is a song that I often use with couples that is the “theme song” for “whatever it takes” in a marriage. I played it for my couple as they were holding one another and saying soft words to one another about their commitment to “whatever it takes!”
The song is “Love Changes Everything” by Vince Gill. (Click here to hear it). The powerful lyrics says:
Makes you drive, you drive all night
Say, “I’m sorry” when you’ve had a fight
All you wanna do is make it right
You’ll do anything (oh, anything)
Oh, anything!
It was gonna be just me and you
Life don’t work out like you want it to
You always said the only way to make it through
Is to believe
So, I believe
Love changes, love changes everything
Love can break your heart and heal your soul
Warm the wonder years if you’re young or old
When you start to fall, back’s against the wall
Makes you fly, fly, fly with a broken wing
Love changes everything
Living from the “whatever it takes” stance always keeps our reserves full. I wouldn’t want to live any other way. What about you? If you need to step up your “whatever it takes” stance, I’d like to encourage you to do that. You will not regret it!
As for the man that walked away from powerful words and a beautiful opportunity, I will keep praying that he finds and resurrects his Champion.
If you have not yet resurrected your Champion, I want to encourage you to jump into the process. Your life will become different … better … amazing!
We’re in a season of thankfulness and gift giving; those weeks between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah.
There’s nothing to be more grateful for than having your Champion alive and well in you. And there’s no greater gift you can give to those who love you than to resurrect the Champion within you.
Let’s stand together … in our “whatever it takes” stance. Miracles will come!
