“I truly believed I was unfixable. I believed my flaws were hardwired in a way that could never be reversed.”
This is the place where I normally say: “My client said” or “My client moaned as they plopped into a chair in my office.”
This week it’s different. This week I’ve been challenged by a mentor to share some of my story.
Those were words that I actually said, in the present tense, at the beginning of my journey of healing.
Slightly different than my clients, I said those words to counselors, to pastors, to mentors, to workshop presenters….
And they were all wonderful, and all wanted to help. They offered me the best they had. Words of encouragement, prayers, good books to read, and things to hold onto.
However, when my clients say those words, and I get it.
I know exactly what to do.
How to guide them to healing!
Resolve is very hard to get to. But it is a must. It’s that simple surrender of self-doubt that begins turning our life towards wholeness.
Our first step is that complex and that simple…we can do this!
Back when I was struggling, none of us knew it was trauma. We just thought it was a behavioral problem, or a learning disability.
None of us knew why life (at moments) turned into a grueling existence.
To me it was just life, to them it was something they (the counselors, mentors, pastors) didn’t know what to do with. I’m not angry about that. It just set my soul on fire to find answers!
You may think there are no answers for you!
There are 3 things I would like to share with you this week that I hope you will take in!
I know they would have helped me immensely and I am hoping and praying the same for you!
(A note from my AA recovery friend… “Bottom has many faces. But one thing is common to all who find themselves heading there; they refuse to see and surrender what they can’t fix for the insanity of another quick fix. Which temporally relieves their inner conflict for the need to choose. Reinforcing their need to ignore “surrendering”, which starts the cycle all over again! But…every surrender disrupts a cycle that opens the heart yet again to make the right choices.)
1. You are not too flawed; you are not unfixable.
“Sometimes I go to this place. I hope you don’t say I’m just psycho. But it’s like I can’t talk myself out of it. I do things I regret. I’m so afraid that the feelings that come along with it are going to take me down a deep, dark hole that I’ll never emerge from.”
A young woman said this to me recently, and I felt her pain.
I felt it viscerally.
Because I could have said the exact same words at one time when I believed that I was unfixable.
Immediately, I assured her that we could tackle this and resolve it! She was baffled.
Because like me, and hundreds of thousands of others, she had believed that things that were the result of her trauma simply could not be fixed.
Let me clarify, she had no idea it had anything to do with her trauma. Nor did I when I felt these things.
Whatever it was, it left me depressed, feeling suicidal and hopeless for many years. Many years.
Before you think to yourself, “I’m so glad I don’t have any trauma to deal with.”
Let me define trauma:
“Any experience that has affected us in any way that diminishes who we are, dullens our gifts and talents, and makes life more difficult than it would have otherwise been.”
The truth is, many of us have experienced one level of trauma or another in our lives. Those moments that set off a conversation in our heads about them against us.
And let me add, the horrific-ness of the trauma does not necessarily have anything to do with the intensity of the impact on our lives.
You might not think that being told in grade school that you were not educational material, and believing you were stupid, is that big of a deal.
Of course, it is! And it haunted me.
It affected my education…
For years it traumatized me.
UNTIL I realized I wasn’t stupid. But I’d been programmed at a traumatic moment to believe it.
There was other trauma, but none of it made me (or you) unfixable!
I determined very early in my career, actually before I was practicing… That I would never deem a client “unfixable.”
And that I would study, search, pray, read, attend trainings, or whatever else it took to find answers, strategies, techniques, etc. to make sure that I could either offer what was needed for ‘fixing’ or refer someone to it!
No matter what you’re struggling with, no matter how awful it’s been, no matter how good you keep your facade up on the outside while you’re dying emotionally on the inside…
No matter how many poor choices you’ve made, no matter how many times you’ve messed up, no matter how many relationships you’ve lost…
You are not unfixable, my friend.
Please take that in.
2. No one else is too flawed to be helped, no one else is unfixable.
“Then why did my husband walk out on me? Why did he tell the entire world that I was mentally ill and unfixable,” my client asked in desperation?
I replied: “Unfortunately, it’s part of our culture. Somehow, people who are neither skilled, nor qualified in diagnosing, speak “unfixable” accusations and curses on others.”
It’s simply not true.
Some people might need medication to help in their ‘fixing’.
Many do not.
Some people need a therapist or a Coach to help them process their trauma.
Some do not.
But there’s one thing that everyone who has been labeled “unfixable“ by spouses, family, friends, or even employers needs.
That need is to have someone who cares about what they are struggling with, walk with them to help them find their answers.
There’s no one who deserves being labeled and trashed. Ever!
Let me add to that, I’m certainly not suggesting that anyone stay in an abusive situation. Certainly, get yourself to a safe place!
Then tell the one that you’ve labeled “unfixable” what their behaviors and choices were (that made it necessary for you to leave) … that need to be addressed for you to be in relationship with them.
No shame. No judgment. Just information.
My client asked me longingly, “If you had known my husband, and he had come to you and told you all of these ‘unfixable things’ about me, what would you have suggested he do?”
“Great question!” I responded. “I would first have had him lay down all of his opinions and thoughts about you, and list behaviors and choices that were concerning.”
“Secondly, I would have coached him to come alongside you at a good moment, and tell you how much he loved, and cared about you, but then ask if he could share some things that were concerning him.”
“Then I would have had him sincerely and remorsefully apologize for anything that he had said to you that was akin to ‘unfixability’.”
“I would have had him share his concerns about the choices and behaviors. With no judgment, and no shame. “
“Followed by a statement about know that those things were not who you truly are and requesting that you allow him to help you to get the help or support you needed to be your best self.”
“Oh, my God! That would’ve gotten me here over 10 years ago,” she said tearfully!
No one is too flawed or unfixable.
You may need to have boundaries; you may need to have a heart-to-heart conversation. But you do not have the right to deem anyone “unfixable”!
And that includes yourself.
No one is unfixable!
3. It’s time to live abundantly.
One of the things that I hate the most about trauma is that it leaves people believing that suffering and misery is just the way life is. Yes, most can tuck it away for special events, or to have dinner with a friend. But deep inside, there’s a gnawing. A deep gnawing that keeps us from abundant life.
A sense of dread, a dark feeling of not being whole.
I believe that it’s time for living abundantly.
What do I mean when I speak about an abundant life?
Years ago, I wrote a book called: “Bountiful Health, Boundless Energy, Brilliant Youth.” It was about a nutritional compound called DHEA.
But as I wrote that book, reporting the researched results of using that nutritional supplement, I caught a glimpse of abundant life. I decided I wanted it!
Yes, I take the supplement, but this is not an ad. This is to help you consider that abundant living is available to you.
What do I mean by living abundantly?
- Overflowing with joy
- Resting in peace
- Enjoying great health
- Having tremendous energy
- Lacking nothing in health or finances
- Loving rich relationships
- Living in fulfillment
- Living, loving, laughing!
- And so much more!
The abundant life was meant for you. You are not stuck beneath the trauma that’s held you prisoner. It no longer has to be your ‘norm’.
It’s a lie that things will never get better.
Not only can they get better…they will get better! And not just better … but AWESOME!
I’m so committed to helping people who have struggled with trauma make a transition to living abundantly, that I’ve been developing a program for over 18 months to make this possible.
I want to train, equip, and encourage people with a heart to help others to help YOU find the abundant life YOU were meant to have.
I am deeply committed to helping those I work with find it. But I can only serve so many.
I am launching a program for others who offer trauma healing.
A place where you’ll find the training, support, and encouragement it takes to lead someone from trauma to living abundantly.
I need others to join me on my mission. Why am I doing this?
Because of YOU! Because of the help YOU deserve. Whether you can afford it or not.
You’ll be hearing more about this, but just know YOU are the reason!
I am hoping, with the help of the team, to help over 100,000 people step into living abundantly in the coming year.
I want YOU to be one of those that leave trauma behind and experience a rich life!
Tony Robbins says:
“When you are grateful, fear disappears, and abundance appears.”
Joel Osteen says:
“If you develop an image of success, health, abundance, joy, peace, happiness, nothing on earth will be able to hold those things from you.”
Dr. John Maxwell says:
The word abundance really has the context of the ocean and the waves that come in on the beach. If you’ve ever walked along the beach and you’ve watched the waves come in, you never ask yourself or think to yourself: “Wow I wonder if there will be a day when there are no more waves?” An abundance mindset basically believes that there’s more than enough versus a scarcity mindset that believes there’s never enough. When a person has an abundance mindset, that comes from a sense of generosity. If I believe there’s more than enough, I’ll be glad to share with you. With the abundance mindset comes a real value of giving to others.”
I believe living abundantly is possible. And I believe it so much that I believe it’s possible for you. I want to see you live it, breathe it, walk in it!
And I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that as many people as possible are reached! I’ll be generous with what I know and have formulated. I’ll be grateful for the gift.
I’ll pass living abundantly on to YOU!
Let’s do this!